The City

There is a city where anything is possible, where people and creatures exist together in a chaos that is approaching harmony. This is a small city but in it you can find everything you need and more.

In the centre of the city is a mountain. It looms over the rest of the city and can be seen from everywhere as a constant reminder of how small we are. The buildings here range in size and shape from the giant stone fortress on top of the dormant volcano to the bamboo and gold structure built to house the city’s insane. There are many stone built buildings that can be gloomy on the dark cloudy days that are usual in this part of the world. The grey is held back by teams of workers who plaster brightly coloured pictures to the walls of the city streets.

This is the birth place of wizards and a place where tales of Africa originate. It has a dark side and many stories of murder have started here. There are vaults underground that were once home to the city’s poor and a hiding place for criminals. Here is the home of grave robbers and the place where plague victims were walled in to die.

But this is the past, now it is the home of entertainment, a place where the unreal can exist for a short time.

On arrival you could be forgiven for thinking that there are only rich people here but soon you will realise that they hide the poor behind the mountain. They let them wander amongst the other inhabitants disguised as dancers and actors, occasionally their bodies are found on the streets but it is passed off as art.

The majority of the inhabitants can be found in the city centre, an area covering about 2 square miles. Here they congregate to socialise with each other.  Exchanging information, watching each other, learning and then taking the stories of this city to all parts of the world. People here will stop you and tell you of their life without hesitation.

The sights and sounds of this city are a combination of cultures from around the world, there is everything here from the Russian ballet to African drumming. Surrounded by the grey buildings and high street shops people dance and tell jokes. Buses pass by as people tightrope across gardens and men walk down busy streets carrying chainsaws.

This is a magical place where fruit walks the streets following the instructions of the fruit controller, the command “stop fruit” causes a pile up as the banana runs into the strawberry.

The crowds stop to allow a corrugated iron creature to pass by, many take pictures and the animal (if that’s what it is) poses with them.

Further up the street a man with a balloon for a head makes his way along the street, another of his kind follows this one with a balloon body.

In this city anything is possible, down the narrow streets the unreal becomes real and your dreams and nightmares can appear in front of your eyes. It is a place of laughter and song.

But, one word of warning to any visitors, don’t mention the trams.

Alternative Perspectives

Something a bit different for my blog today.  A creative writing assignment a friend has to do, I thought I'd give it a go too.  The brief was about half a page but basically it was to take a situation and try to see it from lots of different angles. 

1) Suddenly I understand why they call it your monthly friend. All these years I thought of it as the curse but now I can't wait to see my friend. I can't believe it's late, oh God have I really fucked my life up this time. Well fucked would be the right word. Maybe it's just late, I've got stomach cramps, it will come in a day or two.

Shit, shit,shit. Nothing, friend my ass, this can't be happening, I'm 16. What am I going to do now. I don't even know who to tell.

Thank God, it's here. I'm so relieved, I'm never going to be so stupid again. Just pleased I didn't speak to anyone about it. I would be so embarrassed if they knew what I'd done.

2) Well my life is over, that little blue cross might as well be on my tombstone. What do I do now? I don't even know where to start. A baby, what would I do with a baby? I wanted to go to college, I wanted to get away from here. How do I do that with a baby?

Who can I tell? What do I say? I never thought this would happen to me. I'm not a slut, I don't sleep around, I'm careful. Why did this happen to me? Why won't it just go away? I wish this had never happened. I need to do something but I just want to bury my head under the duvet and never come out.

I can't believe I have to go though this. Hospital appointments, doctors poking about inside me, why can't it just be over so I can get on with my life. Surgery, bleeding and feeling so tired. When will this be over so I get get on with my life?

3) I wait. Every month I wait. It always comes and then every month I cry. Every month I try to face the idea that there is something wrong with me. I see the look in his eyes, I know he would never say anything but he can't hide the look. That hurts too. I've let him down, I'm not right, a failure.

Another month, another failed test. We argue about nothing because we can't mention the problem. I try to be perfect, the perfect wife that everyone thinks I am. But I can't do the one thing the would make everything right. Why is it so important? Because it is what I always wanted. On the streets I see women with huge swollen stomachs, I hate them. I see girls pushing babies in push chairs. I want to grab them and tell them I would be a better mum.

Another month and another. The arguments get worse. I can't be perfect anymore, I'm not perfect, I'm broken. His eyes say all the things that he doesn't, I can't give him what he wants. I can't give myself what I want. Nothing can replace that, there is no substitute. I cry again and secretly hope that next month will be different.

4) I knew you were there, I knew straight away, I could feel you inside. You didn't make me sick or tired, I just knew. I felt different, not bad or good just different. I did the test but I already knew and I was right. I tried to do all the right things, I took the vitamins, I didn't eat this or that and I did everything the doctors and the books suggested. I saw you little tadpole, on the screen, not that I needed to, like I said I knew.

But now you're gone and I feel empty. I didn't know that you could feel this way and still live. I am going on with my life but my heart is breaking with the pain. You won't have a life. Broken heart, I didn't know that feeling bad could give you physical pain. I have cried so much that I feel as though my chest will split and inside they will see my heart shattered into a thousand pieces.

I wonder what you were, a girl or a boy? I think you were a girl but I'll never know because you are gone. I know I thought about how you would change my life and I was scared. But I was excited too, I couldn't wait to meet you and to see who you would be. Now none of this will happen because you're gone and I'm so very very sad.

5) Pregnant?  How did that happen?  I never thought it would happen to me.  Somewhere inside of me a tiny someone is growing.  Couldn't hold in the excitement and told him, I don't think he knows what to do with this.  I don't know what I expected, maybe I never even thought about it.

Another rejection, my family.  They say to get rid of it, that would be best. They say I can't handle it and that I would ruin my my life.  He says he doesn't want this either.  I don't know what to do now.  I think I could do it with some support but no one wants to help me.  I feel more alone now than I have ever been before.  Funny when I am not even alone in my own body.

No one wants me to do this but I don't want to hurt you.  I'm worried that if I do this on my own I will end up hurting you anyway.   I'm scared of you.  I'm scared of myself.  I wish I had someone to talk to but they all say the same and that doesn't help.  Negativity, am I hurting you already with these thoughts.  I'm sorry.  I can't hurt you but I can't keep you.

6) It's time to come out now little lady, we've waited long enough to meet you.  My body is battered from the effort of growing you.  I'm uncomfortable, and really want coffee, cheese and a gin and tonic. 

You're here!  I can't believe after all this time I am holding you and looking into you perfect pink face.  You are kind of wrinkled but perfect.  I look at him, your daddy and see the expression of amazement on his face.  We made this and she's perfect. 

Life will never be the same again for us.  From now there will be you to love and protect, you to watch grow and change.  I can't really believe you are here, it seems like a dream.  Maybe that is why I can't stop looking at you.  Now I understand.

Danilo Lex - Woman Spirits - Three

Mrs Midnite and the Boxer

When I was out for dinner last week I thought I saw an ex boyfriend.  I say thought because I just saw him from behind but something about the walk etc makes me pretty certain it was him. So I thought I'd tell you about him, well tell you more about me with reference to him.

When I was younger I didn't have much confidence and I never noticed if someone liked me.  Even when I was told I never believed my friends.  If someone asked me out I would go on a date with them if they were OK.  This is how I ended up in a rubbish relationship for 8 years.  He really liked me, I thought he was OK, 8 years passed!

So a few years after I became single I made some changes and started going out more often.  I think of this as my second chance at being a crazy student because I really wasn't crazy first time round, more old married couple.  For the authentic student effect I did an MBA at Edinburgh uni and started going drinking and clubbing regularly.  For a while I had a great time, me and my girls would go out dancing a couple of nights a week and just have a good time.  I sometimes would have a dance with someone, occasionally took a phone number and even what on dates with some guys.  I never really clicked with anyone and although some lasted a couple of months I wasn't really bothered, I'd rather be out with my friends.

Eventually I decided that I should start picking the guys I was interested in rather than waiting for the people to come to me.  This is sort of where Mr Midnite comes in but that's a different story entirely.  So I decided to try to talk to guys I liked the look of to see if I got any response. Bring in the boxer.

We had nothing in common really but he was (I think) good looking and had a great body. He's from Gambia and had only been in the UK a few months when I first met him.  He was a friend of some friends and in fact his brother had been chatting me up for months.  I used to see him most weekends but he was very quiet and although we talked I was new to the whole "girl power" thing and couldn't quite get the whole "do you want to go out sometime" thing going.  Eventually in best school yard style my friend told him I fancied him and he said he liked me.  And we all lived happily ever after ... not.

As I got to know the boxer I realised that he was very young, added to that he had moved from a largely Muslim country to Scotland.  When it was just us and we talked he was really nice, a sweet guy.  I spoke to his mum and sisters on the phone and found out all about his life in Gambia, learned a lot about Islam and discovered some things about myself.  He had a daughter back in Gambia which was as much a shock to me as it had been to his family when it happened. 

After about 3 months he ended up with nowhere to stay and was going to live on someones floor until he found somewhere.  I have a 2 bedroom flat to myself so it seemed right to ask him to stay.  Spot that stay, not move in, a subtle difference but I think important.  Watch while I demonstrate:

I love you so much I can't bear to live without you, please move in with me
vs
I have a spare room, why don't you stay with me until you get sorted out. 

So clearly this is where it all went wrong.  Well this is where it all went wrong sooner than it would have done if we had maintained an appropriate distance. 

See the boxer had friends and they told him that I must be crazy in love if I had let him move in.  On top of that the adventure of living in a new and much less restrictive country was just too much.  And the final thing, living with me meant that there was no food to buy, no bills to pay, he could just go out with his friends and do whatever he wanted.  So gradually he started to treat me like an unpaid landlady.  By the time we had been seeing each other a few months we never went out, he was out pretty much every night with his friends.  I wouldn't have minded if we had had some nights together but they got less and less. He would tell me he would be back at 8 and not turn up until 4am, I was actually worried about him sometimes.  I'm not the type to try and control anyone, I like people to choose to spend time with me not be with me because I nagged.  So I just quietly got pissed off, all the time his friends were saying "she won't mind, she loves you".

I was out one night and got talking to a girl in the bar, she was asking if I was seeing anyone and I told her I was seeing the boxer.  She got quite embarrassed because he had been texting her friend.  Friend was brought over, very apologetic, so I borrowed her phone and called him.  He was gone by the next morning.

It's funny because I knew it would never last, he was too young and needed to have some fun and decide who he wanted to be, but I was still upset.  I didn't love him but I liked him.  I think it must be quite hard to be brought up in a strict country and then arrive somewhere so much less restrictive.  I get the feeling that he wanted to be a good Muslim but he also wanted to do what his friends were doing.  I thought it was sad because he came here with hopes and dream, big plans but with no structure to push him he just didn't do anything.  About 8 weeks after we split up I heard from my friends that he had got a girl pregnant.  She decided to keep it because "all my friends have babies and I want one too".  He told one of my friends that he wished it was me having the baby.  They split up not long after the baby was born, surprised?

Scrappy style list

I haven't been in bloggy world much over the last week.  That's just because I've been a bit busy.  Part of the busy was beyond my control with some work stuff but the rest was self inflicted.  I've been feeling pretty low so I decided that I would get out and about a bit more than normal and try to shake it off.  This in itself shows that my tablets are working because without them I wouldn't have been able to push myself to do things.

Anyway I don't want to bore you all with lots of boo hoo my life is crappy post although it may happen occasionally.  So instead I decided to do a positive, happy blog!

A bloggy friend of mine has a passion for lists so to take a page out of her scrap book here is a list of reasons why my life is great:

1) The furry girls
How many people are lucky enough to come home to two happy bundles of love even if they only went out to the bin.  Star and Sasha are the best!  Love them, love them, love them and they love me even when I'm a miserable cow.  Unconditional love, can't beat it!

2) My best friends
I have the greatest best friends in the world.  If you want to know more check out my letter post

3) Mr Midnite
Well if I didn't put him in the list he might be upset :0).  He is a very positive person with a strange view of the world which makes for some interesting discussions.  He has a great way of making me see things differently when I'm stuck on a negative though train.  Funnily enough it is a CBT technique but he just does it naturally.  He is great fun most of the time and makes me laugh a lot.  Plus he's hot.  It would be wrong to ruin his bad boy image by telling you the sweet things he sometimes does so I'll stop now :0)

4) My ladies what lunch friends
The department that I work in isn't big but we have formed some little groups, it's not an exclusive thing you can be part of more than one group or change groups.  Some of it is kind of office or past time based.  The group I'm closest too is a group of girls who all have the hobbies of shopping, eating out and drinking cocktails.  Linked to the shopping to some extent is an appreciation of handbags, shoes and expensive cosmetics.  For blog purposes I'm going to call the core ladies Glam, Mummy and Skinny.  We have some great days out shopping and nights out eating good food and drinking cocktails, we always have a good laugh.  On top of that we do try to support each other at work.

5) My Geordie Girls
Some friends I stole!  I met them when one of my cousins got married and we got on great straight away.  Lou is from Newcastle but lives up in Glasgow so we see each other occasionally for a night with wine.  Lisa is still down in Geordie land but we catch up for a day/night out a few times a year.  I haven't known them for long but we just have such a good time together,  Thinking its the Geordie connection.    

6) My ladies what drink
More girls from work, ave to be careful with these ones.  They are non-stop party girls and a few boys.  Always out on the town, I can't keep up with them drinking but they are great fun as long as I pace myself!

7) My family
Yeah they do my head in but I love them.  I get on with my little brother better and better as we get older and that's just great.  My parents, well I've got some daddy issues but who hasn't and they are always there when I need therm.  Not always help but there. I do have a pretty big extended family and they all seem to stay near where I was born.  Guess I was one of the few the rebels who moved away.

8) My Flat
Yeah strange one to explain exactly but I love my flat, it's mine and hopefully there won't be any circumstances where I come home and get told I have to leave.  Finally have my remortgage arranged so it will actually be slightly cheaper which can only add to my love.  I guess when you have moved as many times as I have you really appreciate having your own place.  It's not a show home and there is some work needs doing but I've painted it to my taste with no one interfering and I love it!

9) Scotland and Edinburgh
Flash back, I've written about this before, check it out if you're interested

10) Cymbalta
Drugs, yes please if they make me feel calm and happy without feeling like a zombie with a vomiting bug.  I'd love to be able to think happy positive thoughts and get through life without them but I couldn't and now I'm not going to risk stopping taking them just to see what happens.

11) My job (kind of)
I like my job, most days I am pretty happy there, sometimes I hate it.  The things that make it a good job include the money they pay me, it's not loads but it's not bad.  The people there are mostly great and make the days easier to deal with, some of my clients fall in here too.  Finally I suppose I do something that can help people and occasionally I hear from clients of someone who has been helped by something we were part of, makes you feel good.

12) The strange world of the Internet
Love it, how you can now reach out to anyone anywhere in the world from your desktop.  I have friends I've never met online.  I've got back in touch with school friends and been able to stay in touch with other friends.  Its a whole new realm of socialising and I like it.

13) Handbags
They make me happy!

14) Books
Allowing me to experience so many things from the comfort of my own home!

15) Music
Self explanatory really

16) Food
Chocolate, strawberries, tea and toast, eating out at nice restaurants.  Yum!

17) Health and fitness
I'm reasonably fit and mostly healthy give or take some crazy. I can pretty much do what I want although I'm unlikely to get to figure skate in the winter Olympics.  Just the head trash to deal with!

That was quite therapeutic really, I thought I would struggle to get 10 but the more I think the more there is.  See my depression when it hits seems to be a chemical thing not event related.  I've not really got anything to be miserable about and that in itself makes me very lucky.

What not to wear

No not a post about the fabulous Trinny and Susanna squeezing peoples wobbly bits and forcing them into interesting outfits.  It's a political post.  The French Government has started a process to ban the burka or niqab in a public place with a vote in the lower house. The ban was by a massive majority: 335 to 1.  Pretty large majority and I hear Spain is about to have a similar vote.  Last night the UK Government stated that they wouldn't be following this precedent as it is decidedly unBritish to tell people what they can or can't wear.

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All about me!

Well Scrappy here are my answers, I had them before I saw your note so you get all the answers:

1. If you could spend the rest of your life doing only one thing, what would that be?

I think eating would be my first choice but that might make the rest of my life pretty short so I think i will go with reading while curled up in the sunny spot on my bed with the furry ones.  Is that more than one thing.

2. What is the best thing you can bake/cook: Umm cooking, baking yes I am aware of the idea.  I do good toast?  Actually I can cook a fab chilli, good lasagna, an African dish that I can't spell, I serve up a mean curry too but its from the local take away.

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And they all fall down

Little Miss Midnite trying her best
Doesn't know how to cope with the stress
Along came her boss who couldn't give a toss
And gave her more shit to deal with!

I'm new to poetry!

Little Miss Midnite has lost her mind
And doesn't know where to find it.
Leave it alone and it will come home
Dragging her brains behind it.

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Letter 1 - My best friends

Dear Mrs and Mr Best Friend

I have known you both longer than you have known each other.  I never realised you hadn't met until after you had met and got together.  Now look at you both, married with two little boys.

I met you both at university, this gives me the opportunity to joke that I lived with you, boy best friend because of the giant house we shared for a year.  This was when you were with the wrong girl, maybe that makes you appreciate the right one so much more.  I didn't know you so well girl best friend, just enough to chat with you outside lectures.

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Small dogs on e-bay

Ohh dear, a terrible thing happened today.  I decided to buy Mr Midnite some Wii games off ebay for his birthday.  That way rather than one brand new and shiny game he gets 4 slightly abused games.  A win win situation because overall it was cheaper and he gets more game time!

But by mistake I began browsing and 13 hours later I have spent mucho money!  See there are bags with small dogs on them.  They are made by radley and I'm addicted!  Today I bought two bags because they were bargains.  But I'm not supposed to be spending especially not when I have a cupboard full of bags.  Not bags that I don't use, bags that I regularly take out to play and then put securely back into their little dust bags.

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The Wonderful thing about Tiggers

The wonderful thing about tiggers

Is tiggers are wonderful things!
Their tops are made out of rubber;
Their bottoms are made out of springs!
They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy,
Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!
But the most wonderful thing about tiggers is
I'm the only one!

I'm not trying to claim that the lyrical masterpiece above is mine, clearly it is the work of Disney.  I was just using this as an introduction to telling you that I went to work as Tigger today. 

Obviously this was unintentional, I didn't get up this morning and by mistake (or because it is past washing day and I'm out of clean clothes) put on a Tigger outfit:

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Short bank rant

I'm currently trying to remortgage my flat while the interest rates are so low I thought I'd get a nice deal.  So I applied, got approved, valuation came back fine and that's the last I heard.  I had call the bank a few weeks ago and asked if everything was OK and it was fine.

So tonight I got home to find an e-mail from a "my conveyancer", I wasn't aware I had one and nearly deleted it.  The mail says:

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A swan kicked my butt

If you remember I decided to give yoga a try to help with my insomnia.  So last night I headed off to my first yoga class, this was a once a month workshop for Yin Yoga.  This is a different type of yoga with relatively easy poses held for much longer than normal.  I found all but one of the positions relatively easy although with my buzzing brain it is hard to stay still and not let my mind drift for 5 minutes.

After the class I felt quite energised but also calm.  I had a reasonably relaxed night and slept pretty well for a Sunday night after a weeks holiday.  This morning I do have a slight ache in my butt from the swan position or something like that.  You see where the blog title comes from now?

I start my beginners yoga course next weekend, it's Hatha Yoga so I think more main stream than this workshop but I have booked the next Yin class too. 

Here's hoping that all the positive benefits assigned to yoga are real.  I would like to think it can help me through the stress that I struggle with even though I am taking my tablets.

Letters - the challenge!

Mikey from The Psyche of Mikey has started a challenge that involves blog writing letters, I thought this was an interesting idea.  Here is the list of letters, I have already fallen over because there are some of these where I can't think of a person and some people who might get more than one letter.  BUT I'm going to give it a go:

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The Worst Night

Before I was unofficially diagnosed as bipolar I didn't really understand what was going on in my head, during manic phases, I used to go crazy and do really stupid things.  At this time I was coming towards the end of a pretty long manic period.  I had been going out clubbing up to five nights a week and was experiencing some things that I now know are symptoms of mania.  I had been seeing Mr Midnite and another guy at the same time but I had just thrown my toys out of the pram and dumped them both. 

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Blog Therapy

I started this blog for a couple of reasons mostly related to my fab therapist. 

Firstly when I told him I wrote but it was rubbish he challenged me.  Rubbish was only my opinion because no one else had ever read anything I had written.  I started putting some bits on Bebo and got good feedback, this is a step up from that.  I haven't really reached the point where I could post on facebook and let my friends and family read this so it just between me and my followers :0)

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Psycho girl moment

Does it happen to us all?  You are going along quite happy and then someone presses the "Psycho Girl Button" (PGB) and you become unhinged.

So here's what's got the PGB working:

I have been away for a lovely break with Mr Midnite and the furry girls in Skye.  Had a lovely time, will post pictures soon.  But during the holiday I had problems due to the beeping of Mr Midnite's mobile phone.  I thought I was cured of phone curiosity after a recent incident but it seems I'm not.  Many, many, many texts arrived from a person called JanNet it kept flashing up over and over again.  The PGB moved up to sensitive setting.

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