Mrs Midnite and the Boxer

When I was out for dinner last week I thought I saw an ex boyfriend.  I say thought because I just saw him from behind but something about the walk etc makes me pretty certain it was him. So I thought I'd tell you about him, well tell you more about me with reference to him.

When I was younger I didn't have much confidence and I never noticed if someone liked me.  Even when I was told I never believed my friends.  If someone asked me out I would go on a date with them if they were OK.  This is how I ended up in a rubbish relationship for 8 years.  He really liked me, I thought he was OK, 8 years passed!

So a few years after I became single I made some changes and started going out more often.  I think of this as my second chance at being a crazy student because I really wasn't crazy first time round, more old married couple.  For the authentic student effect I did an MBA at Edinburgh uni and started going drinking and clubbing regularly.  For a while I had a great time, me and my girls would go out dancing a couple of nights a week and just have a good time.  I sometimes would have a dance with someone, occasionally took a phone number and even what on dates with some guys.  I never really clicked with anyone and although some lasted a couple of months I wasn't really bothered, I'd rather be out with my friends.

Eventually I decided that I should start picking the guys I was interested in rather than waiting for the people to come to me.  This is sort of where Mr Midnite comes in but that's a different story entirely.  So I decided to try to talk to guys I liked the look of to see if I got any response. Bring in the boxer.

We had nothing in common really but he was (I think) good looking and had a great body. He's from Gambia and had only been in the UK a few months when I first met him.  He was a friend of some friends and in fact his brother had been chatting me up for months.  I used to see him most weekends but he was very quiet and although we talked I was new to the whole "girl power" thing and couldn't quite get the whole "do you want to go out sometime" thing going.  Eventually in best school yard style my friend told him I fancied him and he said he liked me.  And we all lived happily ever after ... not.

As I got to know the boxer I realised that he was very young, added to that he had moved from a largely Muslim country to Scotland.  When it was just us and we talked he was really nice, a sweet guy.  I spoke to his mum and sisters on the phone and found out all about his life in Gambia, learned a lot about Islam and discovered some things about myself.  He had a daughter back in Gambia which was as much a shock to me as it had been to his family when it happened. 

After about 3 months he ended up with nowhere to stay and was going to live on someones floor until he found somewhere.  I have a 2 bedroom flat to myself so it seemed right to ask him to stay.  Spot that stay, not move in, a subtle difference but I think important.  Watch while I demonstrate:

I love you so much I can't bear to live without you, please move in with me
vs
I have a spare room, why don't you stay with me until you get sorted out. 

So clearly this is where it all went wrong.  Well this is where it all went wrong sooner than it would have done if we had maintained an appropriate distance. 

See the boxer had friends and they told him that I must be crazy in love if I had let him move in.  On top of that the adventure of living in a new and much less restrictive country was just too much.  And the final thing, living with me meant that there was no food to buy, no bills to pay, he could just go out with his friends and do whatever he wanted.  So gradually he started to treat me like an unpaid landlady.  By the time we had been seeing each other a few months we never went out, he was out pretty much every night with his friends.  I wouldn't have minded if we had had some nights together but they got less and less. He would tell me he would be back at 8 and not turn up until 4am, I was actually worried about him sometimes.  I'm not the type to try and control anyone, I like people to choose to spend time with me not be with me because I nagged.  So I just quietly got pissed off, all the time his friends were saying "she won't mind, she loves you".

I was out one night and got talking to a girl in the bar, she was asking if I was seeing anyone and I told her I was seeing the boxer.  She got quite embarrassed because he had been texting her friend.  Friend was brought over, very apologetic, so I borrowed her phone and called him.  He was gone by the next morning.

It's funny because I knew it would never last, he was too young and needed to have some fun and decide who he wanted to be, but I was still upset.  I didn't love him but I liked him.  I think it must be quite hard to be brought up in a strict country and then arrive somewhere so much less restrictive.  I get the feeling that he wanted to be a good Muslim but he also wanted to do what his friends were doing.  I thought it was sad because he came here with hopes and dream, big plans but with no structure to push him he just didn't do anything.  About 8 weeks after we split up I heard from my friends that he had got a girl pregnant.  She decided to keep it because "all my friends have babies and I want one too".  He told one of my friends that he wished it was me having the baby.  They split up not long after the baby was born, surprised?