1) Suddenly I understand why they call it your monthly friend. All these years I thought of it as the curse but now I can't wait to see my friend. I can't believe it's late, oh God have I really fucked my life up this time. Well fucked would be the right word. Maybe it's just late, I've got stomach cramps, it will come in a day or two.
Shit, shit,shit. Nothing, friend my ass, this can't be happening, I'm 16. What am I going to do now. I don't even know who to tell.
Thank God, it's here. I'm so relieved, I'm never going to be so stupid again. Just pleased I didn't speak to anyone about it. I would be so embarrassed if they knew what I'd done.
2) Well my life is over, that little blue cross might as well be on my tombstone. What do I do now? I don't even know where to start. A baby, what would I do with a baby? I wanted to go to college, I wanted to get away from here. How do I do that with a baby?
Who can I tell? What do I say? I never thought this would happen to me. I'm not a slut, I don't sleep around, I'm careful. Why did this happen to me? Why won't it just go away? I wish this had never happened. I need to do something but I just want to bury my head under the duvet and never come out.
I can't believe I have to go though this. Hospital appointments, doctors poking about inside me, why can't it just be over so I can get on with my life. Surgery, bleeding and feeling so tired. When will this be over so I get get on with my life?
3) I wait. Every month I wait. It always comes and then every month I cry. Every month I try to face the idea that there is something wrong with me. I see the look in his eyes, I know he would never say anything but he can't hide the look. That hurts too. I've let him down, I'm not right, a failure.
Another month, another failed test. We argue about nothing because we can't mention the problem. I try to be perfect, the perfect wife that everyone thinks I am. But I can't do the one thing the would make everything right. Why is it so important? Because it is what I always wanted. On the streets I see women with huge swollen stomachs, I hate them. I see girls pushing babies in push chairs. I want to grab them and tell them I would be a better mum.
Another month and another. The arguments get worse. I can't be perfect anymore, I'm not perfect, I'm broken. His eyes say all the things that he doesn't, I can't give him what he wants. I can't give myself what I want. Nothing can replace that, there is no substitute. I cry again and secretly hope that next month will be different.
4) I knew you were there, I knew straight away, I could feel you inside. You didn't make me sick or tired, I just knew. I felt different, not bad or good just different. I did the test but I already knew and I was right. I tried to do all the right things, I took the vitamins, I didn't eat this or that and I did everything the doctors and the books suggested. I saw you little tadpole, on the screen, not that I needed to, like I said I knew.
But now you're gone and I feel empty. I didn't know that you could feel this way and still live. I am going on with my life but my heart is breaking with the pain. You won't have a life. Broken heart, I didn't know that feeling bad could give you physical pain. I have cried so much that I feel as though my chest will split and inside they will see my heart shattered into a thousand pieces.
I wonder what you were, a girl or a boy? I think you were a girl but I'll never know because you are gone. I know I thought about how you would change my life and I was scared. But I was excited too, I couldn't wait to meet you and to see who you would be. Now none of this will happen because you're gone and I'm so very very sad.
5) Pregnant? How did that happen? I never thought it would happen to me. Somewhere inside of me a tiny someone is growing. Couldn't hold in the excitement and told him, I don't think he knows what to do with this. I don't know what I expected, maybe I never even thought about it.
Another rejection, my family. They say to get rid of it, that would be best. They say I can't handle it and that I would ruin my my life. He says he doesn't want this either. I don't know what to do now. I think I could do it with some support but no one wants to help me. I feel more alone now than I have ever been before. Funny when I am not even alone in my own body.
No one wants me to do this but I don't want to hurt you. I'm worried that if I do this on my own I will end up hurting you anyway. I'm scared of you. I'm scared of myself. I wish I had someone to talk to but they all say the same and that doesn't help. Negativity, am I hurting you already with these thoughts. I'm sorry. I can't hurt you but I can't keep you.
6) It's time to come out now little lady, we've waited long enough to meet you. My body is battered from the effort of growing you. I'm uncomfortable, and really want coffee, cheese and a gin and tonic.
You're here! I can't believe after all this time I am holding you and looking into you perfect pink face. You are kind of wrinkled but perfect. I look at him, your daddy and see the expression of amazement on his face. We made this and she's perfect.
Life will never be the same again for us. From now there will be you to love and protect, you to watch grow and change. I can't really believe you are here, it seems like a dream. Maybe that is why I can't stop looking at you. Now I understand.
Danilo Lex - Woman Spirits - Three
5 comments:
Very good writing, Mrs Midnite.
-French Bean
Mrs. Midnite, you made me cry with this post. If you read my blog (which I KNOW you do), you will know Sweet Joshua and I cannot have children. So therefore, number 3 really hit home. It is like you have been in my shoes and have rooted around in my brain and in my heart.
We used to argue. We used to cry. I saw the disappointment in his eyes month after month, and it slowly started to kill me.
We decided we loved each other too much to let not having children tear us apart....so we deal. We are not actively trying because we know it is a medical problem on my part, but we still get our hopes up sometimes when "my friend" is late.
The envy is there, though. And so is a little hatred. Hatred for all the parents out there who don't give a shit about their kids, hatred for women who abuse their bodies while pregnant and hatred for mothers and fathers who aren't there physically for their kids.
My 18 year old niece is pregnant. She is uneducated, unemployed, unmotivated, lazy, shallow and selfish. She will perpetuate those ideals with her child. She has started a cycle of poverty with her selfishness that will be devastating for her offspring and future lineage. She had the opportunity to give the child up for adoption (originally to me and Joshua), but decided she wanted to keep her child "because it will be like having a living doll".....her fucking words.....HER OWN WORDS. And people wonder why I am bitter.
Thank you though. I have needed a good cry for awhile. And it was a GOOD cry, not a bad one....so thank you.
Good stuff Mrs M.
Wow. I think this is a great idea for a creative writing exercise to get the ideas flowing. And beautiful writing. It was fantastic to have one thing and see it from all different angles. Bravo!
Thank you for all the comments, I was quite pleased with this but I'm never sure about my own writing.
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