To go or not to go

That is the question.

You know at work (or in school) you get groups of people.  You get the popular group, the swotty group, the nerd group, the always out group etc etc.

See how it sounds like school but it still happens when you are the far side of mid 30s and supposedly professional.

Well tonight is a leaving do for one of the popular kids.  I'm not one of them.  Apparently I can be difficult to get along with.  This is a fair point, I have mood swings, I'm unstable and can be a very different person depending on which side of the pole my moods are on any given day.  Thing is I'm not horrible, I always try to be nice to people and largely try not to bitch (hard thought this can be), I can be funny and entertaining, I can be depressed or hyperactive irritating.  Hey hoo that's the breaks.

I'm lucky in that I have great friends who I love to teeny tiny bits.  I have some good friends at work too but at work there are people who don't really seem to like me much.  It doesn't really bother me, except for the paranoia debate.  Am I just paranoid or do they really not like me?  Who cares?

As my therapist says "What people think of you is none of your business."  I like me, I'm happy to be me. 

But back to the leaving do.  Today there is only about 50% of the department in, they have all gone to the pub for lunch but didn't ask me.  They are not particularly my friends, not that I don't like them or anything we are just part of different groups.  But if one of them was in on their own and I had lunch plans I would have invited them.  It's the polite, friendly thing to do.

So tonight the leaving do will be largely these people and my paranoia is creeping in telling me not to go, they don't like me.

I'm driving Mr Midnite later tonight and then we are thinking of going for a dance but I had planned to go to the leaving do first.  Now I just don't feel welcome.  Can't decide if this is paranoia or just intuition, can anyone spot the difference?

Mixed up Christmas

The furry girls and I have arrived back in our calm home after the Christmas extravaganza. 

First just to mention, I got a pan set for Christmas.  People seem to think this is the equivalent of a husband buying the wife an iron but I'm happy with my pans.  The set I had allegedly had heat resistant handles, this was a lie.  The handles were sort of painted black, they always got hot but when the paint layer washed off they got worse.  The dogs think cooking involved doing a dance around the kitchen before plunging your hand into cold water.  I love my new pans, my blistered hands will be most grateful.

Anyway, my Christmas was mixed up.  My little brother and his girlfriend went to her house first so I decided we couldn't open presents without him.  This was selfish, I didn't want my brother to have presents to open when I didn't.  So we got up and looked at the presents sitting all pretty in their Christmas paper.  Had breakfast and then went to my Gran's house.

We have gone to my Gran's on Christmas morning every year of my life.  The whole of her family still go every year to exchange presents, some stay for dinner.  This bit wasn't so good.  My gran got out of hospital on Christmas eve but during the night she had been ill and was really unwell while we were there.  I got to go and see her and she looked very old and very sick.  She could barely speak or open her eyes.  She ended up going back into hospital later in the day because she was so bad.   It made the day a bit sad and a lot of us had a tear or two.  I visited her in hospital before I came home and she was much, much better.  I think coming home was too much, she was only allowed out for two days because it was Christmas, the hospital let her make the choice and I think she pushed herself too hard.  They have found that she still has some infection in her bowel but we don't know what they are going to do yet. 

My bother and his girlfriend didn't have their children this year, they were both at the other parents.   This lead to the decision to give my mum the day off and go out for lunch, a first.  It was really nice but not the same as your mum's Christmas dinner, I suppose everyone has their own way of doing it. 

After lunch it was home for presents!  Obviously I got my pans.  I also got perfume, some nice bath things and some choccies!

My favourite present (I got on Christmas eve) was from Mr Midnite, a lovely chunky charm bracelet and the first charm for my new collection.  I think he may have had a little bit of help picking out just what I would like.

But, and prepare to be jealous, the ginger furry girl Star got the best present ever.  She got her very own bright pink doggy handbag, complete with squeaker.  It is so cute.  This isn't quite the same but it gives the idea.  I'll snap her with it and post soon.

NB.  Pictures have been stolen from Juicy Couture, go and see their lovely things at their lovely website.  Of course they don't ship to the UK so if you want some you need to be inventive, scour the Internet until you find a place that will ship or (I'd avoid this option if you can) pay the prices charged in the UK.

My family had a really nice Christmas even though we were worried about my Gran, it was lovely to see everyone and spend some time together catching up.  I hope you all had happy holidays with your families. Now onwards to 2011.

Ho ho holidays?

Here comes Santa, here comes Santa, tra la la la la.

Just wondering how many people out there dread the whole Christmas thing?  I'm not a total Scrooge about to have a big downer on the season of goodwill but there are bits of it that I find really hard.

Today I went with best friends boy and girl and their two boys to see Santa.  Had a lovely day out, got home and ended up watching a Christmas movie on TV.  All very nice and sentimental but by the end I was crying.  Perhaps I forgot my antidepressant this morning? 

It made me think about the things I do because it's what is done rather than because I really want to.  In the years when I have really struggled with depression the holidays are torture.  I always have to paint on the happy face so that my family don't realise how depressed I am.  Even on years when I feel OK there are bits of Christmas that I find hard.

Take the work Christmas night out, last year I left really early because I felt like an outsider watching a bunch of mad strangers.  Partly this will be because I only drink with people I am very comfortable with, even then its not often I have more than one or two drinks.  Drunk people are either funny or, more often really annoying.  I was home by 10.30 watching TV with the dogs.  The year before I ended up crying then smoked?  I've never smoked in my life.  Woke up next morning feeling like I'd been licking an ash tray, rubbish night.  Most years I end up sitting next to someone I don't have much to do with and I have no idea what to say.  I end up just feeling worse and worse until I give up and go home.

This year I decided I wasn't going, that way I won't not enjoy it.  But then I ended up feeling guilty because people kept asking me to go and wanting to know why I didn't want to.  So now I'm going! 

Christmas eve, every year we go to the local pub carol singing night, it's OK but I don't know anyone so I go with my parents and sit with their friends.  I always feel like I'm about 10.  I'm an intelligent adult, I have conversations all the time, I'm actually hard to shut up but with my parents and their friends I can't think of anything to say and feel totally out of my depth. 

The Christmas bit itself I like, I think I'm pretty good at presents and like to buy people stuff they will like.  I enjoy the whole giving and receiving bit.  I like the dinner and the crappy TV, I like seeing my family.

Boxing day is another big family gathering, this can go either way.  Mostly its a great laugh but sometimes I feel out of it and like I don't belong.  Because I don't see my family often I get a lot of questions: Do you have a boyfriend? Are you courting?  Did you never want to get married?  Did you not want children?  Excuse me, 35 not 65, I'd like to think I've still time to get round to these things.  This year I'm a bit annoyed because the dogs aren't allowed to go for the party, my aunties have taken their dogs along for years but now the decision is that their dogs might not like strange dogs?

I think really I'm just not good with large groups especially if they are people I don't know too well.  I think this is something I've always had a problem with and probably why I hate parties.  I'm not antisocial I just feel really uncomfortable in these situations. 

So entering the holiday season with mixed feelings I'm thinking about the people out there who dread this time of year.  Seeing everyone seemingly so happy surrounded by family and friends can be heart breaking when you don't belong to that world.  Here's hoping everyone has the holiday that is right for them even if that's sitting watching TV with your furry friends.

Letter 3 - My Parents

Dear Mum and Dad

There is no way I can write a letter to you both together because you are so different and have been there at different times in my life so I can only do this by splitting you up as you have split up so many times before.

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Letter 2 - My crush

Seriously difficult because I don't really have a crush on anyone except Mr Midnite and he comes in under some of the other letters.  Is it normal to not have a crush on someone? I always used to when I was younger.  Anyway in the interests of doing the challenge I cast my mind back to the 17 year old me who went from crush to crush so that I can write to the guy I fancied for so so long and never did anything about.

Dear Crush Man

I see you every weekend but we never speak.  I wait all week to see you and always want to say something but I never do.  I dress for nights out to impress you but you don't seem to notice. You always look so good, I love the way you dress and the way you dance, even your gestures while you talk.  I watch you from afar and wonder what you are really like but I guess I'll never really know.

The first time I saw you we talked, it was at the bottom of the steps in Duffy's.  I loved your bright blue eyes, so clear they don't look quite real.  You talked to me about music and asked if I'd seen your friends.  After that I spent then night hoping to see you again.  Now week after week I see you but I'm too shy and embarrassed to speak.  I know so many of your friends but you aren't with them when I am.  I think every week that I will speak to you, I decide what to say.  Nothing special, just "hello, how you doing?"  But, every week I fail to find these simple words once you are there.

I know you have a girlfriend, she's a bitch.  I'm not saying this because I fancy you, she really is a bitch.  You deserve better.  I know your friends, they can be a bit out of control.  I don't think you're like that, I don't hear your name in the gossip.  The things they do, dodgy to say the least.  I know you have a job so maybe you're not like them. 

This week I will speak to you.  I'll say hello and maybe then we can be friends.
MM

Alternative Perspectives

Something a bit different for my blog today.  A creative writing assignment a friend has to do, I thought I'd give it a go too.  The brief was about half a page but basically it was to take a situation and try to see it from lots of different angles. 

1) Suddenly I understand why they call it your monthly friend. All these years I thought of it as the curse but now I can't wait to see my friend. I can't believe it's late, oh God have I really fucked my life up this time. Well fucked would be the right word. Maybe it's just late, I've got stomach cramps, it will come in a day or two.

Shit, shit,shit. Nothing, friend my ass, this can't be happening, I'm 16. What am I going to do now. I don't even know who to tell.

Thank God, it's here. I'm so relieved, I'm never going to be so stupid again. Just pleased I didn't speak to anyone about it. I would be so embarrassed if they knew what I'd done.

2) Well my life is over, that little blue cross might as well be on my tombstone. What do I do now? I don't even know where to start. A baby, what would I do with a baby? I wanted to go to college, I wanted to get away from here. How do I do that with a baby?

Who can I tell? What do I say? I never thought this would happen to me. I'm not a slut, I don't sleep around, I'm careful. Why did this happen to me? Why won't it just go away? I wish this had never happened. I need to do something but I just want to bury my head under the duvet and never come out.

I can't believe I have to go though this. Hospital appointments, doctors poking about inside me, why can't it just be over so I can get on with my life. Surgery, bleeding and feeling so tired. When will this be over so I get get on with my life?

3) I wait. Every month I wait. It always comes and then every month I cry. Every month I try to face the idea that there is something wrong with me. I see the look in his eyes, I know he would never say anything but he can't hide the look. That hurts too. I've let him down, I'm not right, a failure.

Another month, another failed test. We argue about nothing because we can't mention the problem. I try to be perfect, the perfect wife that everyone thinks I am. But I can't do the one thing the would make everything right. Why is it so important? Because it is what I always wanted. On the streets I see women with huge swollen stomachs, I hate them. I see girls pushing babies in push chairs. I want to grab them and tell them I would be a better mum.

Another month and another. The arguments get worse. I can't be perfect anymore, I'm not perfect, I'm broken. His eyes say all the things that he doesn't, I can't give him what he wants. I can't give myself what I want. Nothing can replace that, there is no substitute. I cry again and secretly hope that next month will be different.

4) I knew you were there, I knew straight away, I could feel you inside. You didn't make me sick or tired, I just knew. I felt different, not bad or good just different. I did the test but I already knew and I was right. I tried to do all the right things, I took the vitamins, I didn't eat this or that and I did everything the doctors and the books suggested. I saw you little tadpole, on the screen, not that I needed to, like I said I knew.

But now you're gone and I feel empty. I didn't know that you could feel this way and still live. I am going on with my life but my heart is breaking with the pain. You won't have a life. Broken heart, I didn't know that feeling bad could give you physical pain. I have cried so much that I feel as though my chest will split and inside they will see my heart shattered into a thousand pieces.

I wonder what you were, a girl or a boy? I think you were a girl but I'll never know because you are gone. I know I thought about how you would change my life and I was scared. But I was excited too, I couldn't wait to meet you and to see who you would be. Now none of this will happen because you're gone and I'm so very very sad.

5) Pregnant?  How did that happen?  I never thought it would happen to me.  Somewhere inside of me a tiny someone is growing.  Couldn't hold in the excitement and told him, I don't think he knows what to do with this.  I don't know what I expected, maybe I never even thought about it.

Another rejection, my family.  They say to get rid of it, that would be best. They say I can't handle it and that I would ruin my my life.  He says he doesn't want this either.  I don't know what to do now.  I think I could do it with some support but no one wants to help me.  I feel more alone now than I have ever been before.  Funny when I am not even alone in my own body.

No one wants me to do this but I don't want to hurt you.  I'm worried that if I do this on my own I will end up hurting you anyway.   I'm scared of you.  I'm scared of myself.  I wish I had someone to talk to but they all say the same and that doesn't help.  Negativity, am I hurting you already with these thoughts.  I'm sorry.  I can't hurt you but I can't keep you.

6) It's time to come out now little lady, we've waited long enough to meet you.  My body is battered from the effort of growing you.  I'm uncomfortable, and really want coffee, cheese and a gin and tonic. 

You're here!  I can't believe after all this time I am holding you and looking into you perfect pink face.  You are kind of wrinkled but perfect.  I look at him, your daddy and see the expression of amazement on his face.  We made this and she's perfect. 

Life will never be the same again for us.  From now there will be you to love and protect, you to watch grow and change.  I can't really believe you are here, it seems like a dream.  Maybe that is why I can't stop looking at you.  Now I understand.

Danilo Lex - Woman Spirits - Three

Mrs Midnite and the Boxer

When I was out for dinner last week I thought I saw an ex boyfriend.  I say thought because I just saw him from behind but something about the walk etc makes me pretty certain it was him. So I thought I'd tell you about him, well tell you more about me with reference to him.

When I was younger I didn't have much confidence and I never noticed if someone liked me.  Even when I was told I never believed my friends.  If someone asked me out I would go on a date with them if they were OK.  This is how I ended up in a rubbish relationship for 8 years.  He really liked me, I thought he was OK, 8 years passed!

So a few years after I became single I made some changes and started going out more often.  I think of this as my second chance at being a crazy student because I really wasn't crazy first time round, more old married couple.  For the authentic student effect I did an MBA at Edinburgh uni and started going drinking and clubbing regularly.  For a while I had a great time, me and my girls would go out dancing a couple of nights a week and just have a good time.  I sometimes would have a dance with someone, occasionally took a phone number and even what on dates with some guys.  I never really clicked with anyone and although some lasted a couple of months I wasn't really bothered, I'd rather be out with my friends.

Eventually I decided that I should start picking the guys I was interested in rather than waiting for the people to come to me.  This is sort of where Mr Midnite comes in but that's a different story entirely.  So I decided to try to talk to guys I liked the look of to see if I got any response. Bring in the boxer.

We had nothing in common really but he was (I think) good looking and had a great body. He's from Gambia and had only been in the UK a few months when I first met him.  He was a friend of some friends and in fact his brother had been chatting me up for months.  I used to see him most weekends but he was very quiet and although we talked I was new to the whole "girl power" thing and couldn't quite get the whole "do you want to go out sometime" thing going.  Eventually in best school yard style my friend told him I fancied him and he said he liked me.  And we all lived happily ever after ... not.

As I got to know the boxer I realised that he was very young, added to that he had moved from a largely Muslim country to Scotland.  When it was just us and we talked he was really nice, a sweet guy.  I spoke to his mum and sisters on the phone and found out all about his life in Gambia, learned a lot about Islam and discovered some things about myself.  He had a daughter back in Gambia which was as much a shock to me as it had been to his family when it happened. 

After about 3 months he ended up with nowhere to stay and was going to live on someones floor until he found somewhere.  I have a 2 bedroom flat to myself so it seemed right to ask him to stay.  Spot that stay, not move in, a subtle difference but I think important.  Watch while I demonstrate:

I love you so much I can't bear to live without you, please move in with me
vs
I have a spare room, why don't you stay with me until you get sorted out. 

So clearly this is where it all went wrong.  Well this is where it all went wrong sooner than it would have done if we had maintained an appropriate distance. 

See the boxer had friends and they told him that I must be crazy in love if I had let him move in.  On top of that the adventure of living in a new and much less restrictive country was just too much.  And the final thing, living with me meant that there was no food to buy, no bills to pay, he could just go out with his friends and do whatever he wanted.  So gradually he started to treat me like an unpaid landlady.  By the time we had been seeing each other a few months we never went out, he was out pretty much every night with his friends.  I wouldn't have minded if we had had some nights together but they got less and less. He would tell me he would be back at 8 and not turn up until 4am, I was actually worried about him sometimes.  I'm not the type to try and control anyone, I like people to choose to spend time with me not be with me because I nagged.  So I just quietly got pissed off, all the time his friends were saying "she won't mind, she loves you".

I was out one night and got talking to a girl in the bar, she was asking if I was seeing anyone and I told her I was seeing the boxer.  She got quite embarrassed because he had been texting her friend.  Friend was brought over, very apologetic, so I borrowed her phone and called him.  He was gone by the next morning.

It's funny because I knew it would never last, he was too young and needed to have some fun and decide who he wanted to be, but I was still upset.  I didn't love him but I liked him.  I think it must be quite hard to be brought up in a strict country and then arrive somewhere so much less restrictive.  I get the feeling that he wanted to be a good Muslim but he also wanted to do what his friends were doing.  I thought it was sad because he came here with hopes and dream, big plans but with no structure to push him he just didn't do anything.  About 8 weeks after we split up I heard from my friends that he had got a girl pregnant.  She decided to keep it because "all my friends have babies and I want one too".  He told one of my friends that he wished it was me having the baby.  They split up not long after the baby was born, surprised?

Letter 1 - My best friends

Dear Mrs and Mr Best Friend

I have known you both longer than you have known each other.  I never realised you hadn't met until after you had met and got together.  Now look at you both, married with two little boys.

I met you both at university, this gives me the opportunity to joke that I lived with you, boy best friend because of the giant house we shared for a year.  This was when you were with the wrong girl, maybe that makes you appreciate the right one so much more.  I didn't know you so well girl best friend, just enough to chat with you outside lectures.

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Letters - the challenge!

Mikey from The Psyche of Mikey has started a challenge that involves blog writing letters, I thought this was an interesting idea.  Here is the list of letters, I have already fallen over because there are some of these where I can't think of a person and some people who might get more than one letter.  BUT I'm going to give it a go:

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The Worst Night

Before I was unofficially diagnosed as bipolar I didn't really understand what was going on in my head, during manic phases, I used to go crazy and do really stupid things.  At this time I was coming towards the end of a pretty long manic period.  I had been going out clubbing up to five nights a week and was experiencing some things that I now know are symptoms of mania.  I had been seeing Mr Midnite and another guy at the same time but I had just thrown my toys out of the pram and dumped them both. 

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Psycho girl moment

Does it happen to us all?  You are going along quite happy and then someone presses the "Psycho Girl Button" (PGB) and you become unhinged.

So here's what's got the PGB working:

I have been away for a lovely break with Mr Midnite and the furry girls in Skye.  Had a lovely time, will post pictures soon.  But during the holiday I had problems due to the beeping of Mr Midnite's mobile phone.  I thought I was cured of phone curiosity after a recent incident but it seems I'm not.  Many, many, many texts arrived from a person called JanNet it kept flashing up over and over again.  The PGB moved up to sensitive setting.

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