The Worst Night

Before I was unofficially diagnosed as bipolar I didn't really understand what was going on in my head, during manic phases, I used to go crazy and do really stupid things.  At this time I was coming towards the end of a pretty long manic period.  I had been going out clubbing up to five nights a week and was experiencing some things that I now know are symptoms of mania.  I had been seeing Mr Midnite and another guy at the same time but I had just thrown my toys out of the pram and dumped them both. 

I was out with some friends one Saturday afternoon and a guy I know was telling me that he knew two guys who fancied me.  I had a sly look at them both but wasn't interested.  I was really shallow then and they didn't meet the hot specification I had.  I told him I wasn't interested in either of his friends and that should have been the end.  But one of the guys decided to try his luck and chat me up.  Back then (and to some extent now) I found it really hard to say no to people.  He was asking me out and I was saying no but I was also smiling and being as nice as I could, I didn't want to hurt his feelings for no reason.  Obviously this just made him think he had a chance.  Eventually I agreed to go out for a lunchtime drink with him the following day. 

The next day after receiving multiple texts from him I picked him up and we drove to the beach and had a drink on the seafront.  It was a lovely day in that the weather was great but I soon realised that I actually didn't like this person.  I don't know what it was but something about him was just not working for me.  I think it was something to do with his attitude but can't really describe it.  He spent some time telling me about his previous relationship and his child.  He kept saying that he was sick of messing around with young women who were immature and didn't know what they wanted.  He said he could tell I was a real woman who knew what I wanted.  He seemed to have decided without speaking to me what I was like and was expecting me to fit this picture.  I dropped him off after our drink having already decided that I was never going out with him again.

Problem is I didn't tell him that!

On the Sunday night I headed out with my friends.  We went to our usual starting bar and got drinks. It was still roasting hot and at one point we were standing outside the bar with our round of drinks sitting on the table inside the open window.  A concession to not taking your drinks out you just reach through and drink them instead.  I wasn't drinking alcohol which was normal for me, I had my car with me.  I remember at one stage towards closing time that my lemonade tasted funny so I didn't finish it.  We headed for the club and it all went wrong.

The guy I had been out with earlier arrived at the club with his friends.  Turns out I knew one of his friends reasonably well.  He lives near me and I had given him lifts home and shared taxis a few times.  There was never anything in this, he is married with children.  However, unknown to me this had caused some talk and everyone had decided that we were sleeping together giving me an undeserved reputation.  The guy got a bit possessive of me in front of his friends and kept putting his arm around me.  I wasn't comfortable so went off to dance with my friends.

It was on the dance floor that I started to fell strange, the people standing around seemed to be too close and I thought they were watching me.  I tried to concentrate on the music and just dance but I felt like the room was closing in.  I had to move so decided to go and get a drink.  While I was standing at the bar the guy came over and offered to get my drink, I let him because I was feeling so weird.  I asked for a lemonade and when he handed it to me and I tasted it I was sure it had vodka in it.  I mentioned it and he made a big fuss with the bar maid and got another one.  I went to sit down and he came with me, I can't remember what we were talking about but I'm sure I was crying at one stage. 

When it reached closing time I went off to my car and the guy and his friend came with me.  I don't know what I was thinking but guess I had assumed that they were both going back to his friends house.  I drove to his friends and he just didn't get out of the car.  I really don't know why I didn't say anything at that stage, it confuses me so much but I didn't I just went home and he came too.

I think we sat and talked for a while and he kept trying to touch me.  I told him not too and that I wasn't feeling great, eventually I just went to bed after showing him the spare room.  I was still awake when he came in and asked if I was OK, I think he said something about not wanting to leave me on my own and then got into bed with me. 

He put his arms around me and was holding me, I could feel him pressed against me so I said I just wanted to get some sleep.  He kept touching me and telling me I was beautiful and stuff like that.  I still don't really know how it happened, I know I told him I didn't want to but he kept on trying and eventually we were having sex.  I don't remember it clearly except that he had a funny smell, not nasty, like some kind of washing powder but stronger.  It lasted for ages and ages, I just kept hoping he would stop but I didn't say anything.  When he came I realised that the condom had broken, he stayed inside me for ages just lying there. 

After that I went and had a shower then just lay in my bed beside him for the rest of the night.  He left quite early and I just sat in my bed staring at the wall for hours.  I phoned in sick to work because I just couldn't go, I could feel my heart beating in my chest like it was going to explode and I was finding it hard to breathe. 

Funnily Mr Midnite called me to talk, he knew there was something wrong and got me to meet him.  I told him bits of what happened and he just held me in his arms and let me cry and talk.  I know now he wanted to go and kill the guy but he never said at the time.  I went back to work the next day and just pretended to everyone and myself that it never happened.  At first it was easy because my memories were really vague but it gradually came back more and more. 

About a year later I finally crashed into a major depression and was off work for nine weeks.  Up until then I did something that I now know is rapid cycling in bipolar where you fluctuate between depressed and manic.  During that time I was back and forth to the doctors thinking I had something wrong with me.  I felt sick all the time and kept having palpitations.  I had so many tests and tablets but nothing helped.  It took a full breakdown before anyone suggested anything useful, even then the diagnosis was depression and stress which was only half the story.

I never reported what happened to me.  I thought it was my fault, I made mistakes, I let a guy I hardly knew come home with me, I let him think I was interested, I let him get into my bed, I let him have sex with me.  I put myself into a bad situation and I didn't do anything to get myself out of it.

I took responsibility for everything that happened.  For a long time I even spoke to the guy when I saw him.  I managed to politely tell him I wasn't interested, made easier because Mr Midnite was back in my life.  He still kept trying to get me to go out with him and couldn't understand why I wasn't interested.  I still don't understand what happened that night, I think my drink was spiked but the guy wasn't there when it happened so I don't think it was him.  I don't know if he just took advantage of my messed up head or if he thought I actually wanted him and was just playing hard to get when I was saying no. 

I don't think I'll ever really get it all straight in my head but now I know it wasn't my fault and that really I should have reported it.  I don't expect that he would have ever got convicted of anything, the situation was so blurred in my head, but at least then I would have got help sooner and maybe had less problems long term.