And they all fall down

Little Miss Midnite trying her best
Doesn't know how to cope with the stress
Along came her boss who couldn't give a toss
And gave her more shit to deal with!

I'm new to poetry!

Little Miss Midnite has lost her mind
And doesn't know where to find it.
Leave it alone and it will come home
Dragging her brains behind it.

It is possible that today was too much for me, I wrote this yesterday when I was still feeling pretty hyper.  I thought it was good but now it just looks like a random collection of thoughts.  Maybe you can get the idea of how my head was feeling:

In my head there is a swirling mass of thoughts. They swim like huge shoals of brightly coloured fish. They dart in and out of the crowd making random direction changes and occasional sudden stops.

You want to step into my world? It's a wibbley wobbly world of my own. Girls just want to have fun. Just living my life. Don't slow down your gonna crash. Insomnia, I can't get no sleep. What have I, what have I done to deserve this. Just listen to me. It shouldn't have to be this way. How much is that doggie in the window. Should I buy pink or blue, get both, well why not? Because life, it's bigger, bigger than you. Really? Is it bigger than the biggest contestant on the biggest loser? You are the biggest loser. Is this an insult? Inside my head I'm screaming. But my hips don't lie, they shimmy, Snake hips, shake your snake hips. Reminds me of Axl Rose and his strange dancing. Odd man. I was dreaming while I wrote this. What is ear wax? Why do we hiccup? Do hippos hiccup? This is the road --- to hell. I wonder if there is a road to hell? Bound to be a place called hell. I lived near somewhere called No Place. I've been walking in the rain, cold November rain in July. Just trying to get it right. Push me in a corner and I'll scream.
 
Maybe it is good.  Maybe I can call this style manic writing and make it like psychic drawing.  Somewhere in the mess there are important answers to important question that no one has asked yet.  Yeah whatever!
 
Anyway if there is a point to this (there may well not be) it would be that yesterday I crashed out of my happy manic place in a sudden moment of intense misery like that walls in my head all falling in one me.  My lovely tablets protect me from these crashes so it wasn't the worst but I sat at my desk and just started to cry and cry.  I couldn't stop, I couldn't breathe, the darkness rolled through my mind like thick fog.  I felt alone and like there was no hope.  Like how I think the Harry Potter world dementors must make you feel. 
 
It's like bumping into an old friend that you never wanted to see again.  You have lots of shared memories and experiences but none of them good.  "Hi there depression, it's been a while.  I hope you're just passing through?"
 
So the crash is worst.  Then the first few days are pretty bad because you can still remember feeling good if a little crazy.  Then you remember all the things you shouldn't have done and add those to your guilt and misery.  Later you forget how happy felt and it seems that you have been sad forever, in it's own way that is the worst because it takes your hope away.  I know that's two worst bits but there just are.
 
Anyway this is how it is going to go.  I'm not doing this again.  I have my secret weapons. So................
 
"Hi there depression, it's been a while.  Have you met my new friend Cym, he is a depression fighting ninja and is going to kick your ass".  Kappow, biff, boom, crash.
 
Oh God I hope he wins!

5 comments:

The Muller (Paul) said...

Though not personally, I've seen this, see it often. I hope the Cym is it and you recover soon. I'd give you a hug if I could.

Miss Melicious said...

I just want to give you a hug! I know I'm a whole ocean and alot of fucking land away...and you don't really even know me. I hope that Cym wins!

French Bean & Coffee Bean said...

Great. Now I can't get "1999" out of my head. :-P

I truly hope cym helps, Mrs Midnite. I've seen someone close to me who succumbed to depression; it hurts not just the person, but the people who love them as well.

-French Bean

Amber said...

You totally know that I am with you on this one. I have the same feeling and the same thoughts. I knew you were a little manic when you said you had six parcels come in on one day.

Girl, I have been there and I am sending you lots of love to get you through it.

Mrs Midnite said...

Thank you all for your comments. I am feeling low but it's no where near the worst I've been because my tablets (Cym...balta) are still working. With their help I am trying to do all the positive things I know work so hopefully this won't las too long!

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30 something female, GSOH, independent, unreliable, seeks sanity. Must like dogs and handbags!