Ho ho holidays?

Here comes Santa, here comes Santa, tra la la la la.

Just wondering how many people out there dread the whole Christmas thing?  I'm not a total Scrooge about to have a big downer on the season of goodwill but there are bits of it that I find really hard.

Today I went with best friends boy and girl and their two boys to see Santa.  Had a lovely day out, got home and ended up watching a Christmas movie on TV.  All very nice and sentimental but by the end I was crying.  Perhaps I forgot my antidepressant this morning? 

It made me think about the things I do because it's what is done rather than because I really want to.  In the years when I have really struggled with depression the holidays are torture.  I always have to paint on the happy face so that my family don't realise how depressed I am.  Even on years when I feel OK there are bits of Christmas that I find hard.

Take the work Christmas night out, last year I left really early because I felt like an outsider watching a bunch of mad strangers.  Partly this will be because I only drink with people I am very comfortable with, even then its not often I have more than one or two drinks.  Drunk people are either funny or, more often really annoying.  I was home by 10.30 watching TV with the dogs.  The year before I ended up crying then smoked?  I've never smoked in my life.  Woke up next morning feeling like I'd been licking an ash tray, rubbish night.  Most years I end up sitting next to someone I don't have much to do with and I have no idea what to say.  I end up just feeling worse and worse until I give up and go home.

This year I decided I wasn't going, that way I won't not enjoy it.  But then I ended up feeling guilty because people kept asking me to go and wanting to know why I didn't want to.  So now I'm going! 

Christmas eve, every year we go to the local pub carol singing night, it's OK but I don't know anyone so I go with my parents and sit with their friends.  I always feel like I'm about 10.  I'm an intelligent adult, I have conversations all the time, I'm actually hard to shut up but with my parents and their friends I can't think of anything to say and feel totally out of my depth. 

The Christmas bit itself I like, I think I'm pretty good at presents and like to buy people stuff they will like.  I enjoy the whole giving and receiving bit.  I like the dinner and the crappy TV, I like seeing my family.

Boxing day is another big family gathering, this can go either way.  Mostly its a great laugh but sometimes I feel out of it and like I don't belong.  Because I don't see my family often I get a lot of questions: Do you have a boyfriend? Are you courting?  Did you never want to get married?  Did you not want children?  Excuse me, 35 not 65, I'd like to think I've still time to get round to these things.  This year I'm a bit annoyed because the dogs aren't allowed to go for the party, my aunties have taken their dogs along for years but now the decision is that their dogs might not like strange dogs?

I think really I'm just not good with large groups especially if they are people I don't know too well.  I think this is something I've always had a problem with and probably why I hate parties.  I'm not antisocial I just feel really uncomfortable in these situations. 

So entering the holiday season with mixed feelings I'm thinking about the people out there who dread this time of year.  Seeing everyone seemingly so happy surrounded by family and friends can be heart breaking when you don't belong to that world.  Here's hoping everyone has the holiday that is right for them even if that's sitting watching TV with your furry friends.