Letter 3 - My Parents

Dear Mum and Dad

There is no way I can write a letter to you both together because you are so different and have been there at different times in my life so I can only do this by splitting you up as you have split up so many times before.

Mum
You are by far one of the nicest people I know, you have nearly always been there for me and I appreciate that.  All my friends throughout my life have liked you, you are a nice, kind person.  But I don't understand you, I probably never will.  You said to me once when I was in my twenties that something had happened and for the first time you understood what was meant by the phase "it made my blood boil".  How can you reach your 40/50s without experiencing this, I get it nearly everyday. 

I will never, never understand why you are with my dad.  He kicked us out 3 times when we were young.  Twice we moved in with my gran and the third time we moved to our own house.  Why would you keep going back.  I got home from school twice to find my things packed and in the car, it must have been worse for you.  How could you keep forgiving him and going back? 

When I was 15 and I found out he was moving in I was gutted, I realise now you might have been lonely in a house with two kids but why not find someone nicer, someone who would treat you with more respect.  I know you delayed getting back together because I was upset, I know that hurt my dad but I was happier when he wasn't there.    I always promised that I wouldn't end up in a relationship like yours, look at how well that went.  I got myself stuck for 8 years with a man who constantly criticised me.

I remember coming home from school one day to find a woman sitting in our kitchen drinking coffee.  You introduced her as my dad's friend Den, I always thought Den was a man, who knew?  I know now that my dad had an affair with this woman and there you were sitting in the kitchen drinking coffee with her.  I don't get it.  How could you sit there calmly drinking coffee and chatting to the woman your husband was sleeping with behind your back.  Did you realise at the time he was having an affair?  Did you know her?  They say to err is human, to forgive Divine, does this make you divine?

Lovely though you are you are rubbish when I have a problem, you never give advice, you never have an opinion.  You are always nice and agreeable but not really any help.  I want to shake you sometimes just to make you have an opinion.  Stop trying to see everyone elses side, be selfish.  What do you want in life mum?

Last year. God I have had to try so hard to forgive you, I have but I'll never be able to forget it.  The hurt is there whenever I think about it.  I really needed my mum and all you were was an echo of my dad.  I know he was there listening and you didn't want to make him more angry.  You phoned me once when my dad was outside and spoke to me for a minute, tried to say something but you hung up.  I hated you then mum, hated you.  Do you know how let down I felt? I'm crying now just thinking about it.  I think I knew what my dad would be like, but from you I expected something more, I needed you.  All I can do now is follow the advice I had and just accept that you were not able to deal with this, that you can't stand up to my dad ever.  Like I said I have forgiven you, no one is perfect and you are probably closer than a lot of parents out there. 

I'm like you, I have great empathy.  I always find myself looking for the other persons viewpoint, putting myself in their shoes.  But you know what mum, other people aren't like me.  Things that bother me bounce off other people and things that don't bother me can mess someone elses head up.  You can't know how someone else feels, only how you would feel in their position.  They aren't you.  Be selfish, think about yourself.  I learned this, it took a while but I got it.  I'm a nice person too, not as nice as you.  I don't like to hurt or upset anyone but I know that no matter how much I try sometimes I will hurt people, unintentionally and there is nothing I can do about it.  I'm like you in other ways but I'm like my dad too, total opposites mixed together!

I love you mum, I just wish you could be more your own person. 


Dad
Oh God I don't know where to start.  Did you know I could hear, I have ears and they work.  At night when I was in bed and you would shout and shout at my mum, I could hear.  I cried silent tears into my bear every time.  I would lie perfectly still, crying silently and hearing every word you shouted.  I bet my brother did too.

I hated how you could lose your temper at any second over nothing, I never knew when it would happen.  I hate been shouted at, I can't handle it now and generally just refuse to get involved in anything that involves shouting.  If I shout everyone knows that is it.  I rarely do it but when I do take cover because it's nuclear.

I hated when you told us off and made us sit perfectly still while you shouted and shouted.  You used to say "You're stupid what are you?" and we would have to say "I'm stupid." Sitting as still as I could, desperately trying not to cry and repeating all the negative things that you thought. Why did you need us to say these things, did it make you feel good?  I remember standing up to you because you were telling me I thought I was something special and yes I did.  I was special to me.  You kept on and on so I ran to my room and you hit me.  The only time you ever did and I screamed and screamed.  I won't be someones punch bag, not ever.   It was abuse, mental abuse, do you realise that. 

Do you know that girls learn about relationships from their fathers, how do you think I ended up with a man who criticised me to the point where I thought I was worthless.  You had subconsciously made me think this was normal, I was an easy target you'd done all the ground work. 

You threw us out and you cried, it was all about you wasn't it.  Fuck you dad, it was your choice.  You took us out of school in the middle of a term, twice.  You hardly visited us, twice.  You sat and cried, twice.  What about us?  When I got dumped you finally realised.  You said to me that watching me go through a guy treating me badly, abusing me and then when I'd reached the bottom dumping me made you see what you had put my mum through.  And you realised that when you did this she didn't have a dad to talk to and she had two kids to deal with.  I hope you felt guilt, remorse, I think you did.  This is karma, not sure why it had to involve me to show you!  But I still hear you, you put my mum, my brother and me down all the time.  You criticise us and you are so negative, it's always you can't do this or you did that wrong, you're stupid, you're unreasonable etc etc etc.

I could go on and on about all sorts of things you have done that have left me feeling like crap.  But do you know something, you don't have control of my feelings, I need to decide not to respond to the things you say or do. 

One more thing though, last year.  I will never fully forgive you for the things you said.  It wasn't really a surprise how you reacted, I think I just hoped for more.  I have talked it through, I have come to terms with it and I have forgiven you.  For a long time I was never going to come home again, I was so hurt but I have got over it.  You have a lot of faults, you put people down, you try to use fear to control people and you can't deal with not being in charge or getting your own way.

All those negative things aside you are the person I call when things go wrong.  You're a fixer so if I really want something fixed I turn to you.  I can talk to you about more things than I can with my mum and I respect your opinion when you are being reasonable.  I don't understand why you are the one I can talk to, probably because my mum just listens and has no opinion or advice.  I would miss you a lot if you weren't on the end of the phone but I could never live near you, 100 miles is about the minimum distance. 

I'm like you, I burn inside at the slightest thing, I get so angry and frustrated but it doesn't come out like it does with you.  I know you get depression, I can see it in you.  I would say that you have bipolar tendencies, I see the mood swings, I know them well in you and in me.  I suppose I could say that a lot of how you are isn't your fault, it's there in me and in my brother too and it isn't something that is easy to control.  I manage to control it sometimes, I work with it but I try all the time.  My brother, he is so emotional, more like my mum than I am but still like you.  You should have got help to deal with your temper years ago but then it wasn't done was it.  You have calmed down with age but it's still there.

I don't understand some things, you will praise me to other people, would it be so hard to say it too me.  In fairness you have got better at this but it tends to be pride in a promotion at work something big.  My brother told me that you think Mr Midnite is good for me, would it be so hard to say that to me?

I wish you could stop saying that I am always miserable.  I'm hardly ever unhappy now and haven't been like that for a year.  I couldn't tell you how I really felt before because I know you would just be critical and say some crap like smile and before you know it you will believe it.  No, change is from the inside out, I can be more positive but I need to deal with the negative things not hide behind a fake smile to make you and other people feel better.  And I need drugs to help me, something chemical in my brain causes me problems, no matter how good things are I struggle to see it without this help.  You will never understand that.

I don't always know how I feel about you, I love you but I often hate you too.  I try not to because it doesn't help me but some times you make me feel so frustrated.  I need your help and advice but I could easily live with out the criticism and lectures. 

Your Daughter