Pearls

I have been thinking about things, not always the best idea but apparently the off button on my brain is missing.  Anyway one of the things that I was thinking about was how things haven't been going very well for me recently.  If you read my blog you will know I've had neighbour trouble, car trouble, redundancies at work and my gran is ill.  These thoughts could easily have become a self pitying path to depression but they weren't.

Instead I was thinking about how well I have been handling these things.  I have been stressed, upset and angry but not to the extreme.  I have been able to carry on with my life, going out, working and seeing friends while these unpleasant things were going on.  Not so very long ago I wouldn't have coped with these things, it could have gone two ways.  I would either have stressed myself into a manic mess where I would likely have gone a bit crazy with excessive going out and shopping, remember the handbags?  Or, I would have plummeted into a major depression and stayed in bed.

Mr Midnite would tell me that the bad things have been sent to show me I can cope.  It is easier to be positive when everything is good, the challenge is to stay positive when things aren't.  I used to get depressed sometimes for no reason so if something did happen I had no chance.  Now I have difficult things in my life and I still feel OK.

Not sure if I'm explaining this very well?

Anyway to reach the pearls from today's title.  I have a charm bracelet and I buy myself the occasional charm that means something.  I have a little heart to remind me to love myself and a little dog to remind me to be happy.  I went into the shop today to try and find something to signify turning negatives to positives.  I had no idea when I went in what that would be I just knew something would be there that would represent what I wanted.  I browsed the shop for a while and then spotted just the thing. 

When I saw it I immediately thought of how pearls are formed by the shelled creatures.  A little piece of dirt gets stuck inside and causes irritation so the creature forms a pearl to protect itself.  From an irritation it produces a thing of beauty.  A positive from a negative. Perfect!

Snow Guilt

I worked from home today.  The weather is still bad, we had about 8 hours of snow today causing traffic chaos.  I didn't know this was going to happen yesterday when I made the work decision.  I was waiting for someone to come and look at my broken car.  It seemed like a good reason to work from home, I have remote access and an evil Blackberry to ensure I can work from anywhere in the world. 

But, I felt guilty because I stayed home.   I live close to work and can get in on the bus.  But equally I can do my job from home.  I felt so guilty I cried.  I was sitting thinking everyone would hate me because I stayed home.  They will all be talking about me.

Around this time I realised I am slipping into depression.  I felt low yesterday and thinking about it there is a definite trend.  I think that explains why I have felt so rubbish recently.  I had flu and have felt bad since.  It's probably because of the time I spent on my own when I was feeling ill, not getting out enough added to the dark gloomy days and you have the ideal growing conditions for a dose of depression.

So to be aware of this is to be armed.  I will fight it, the gloom will not win.  Will get my depression beating stick out of the cupboard and knock this winter depression on the head, after all there is a lot of winter to go.

Ho ho holidays?

Here comes Santa, here comes Santa, tra la la la la.

Just wondering how many people out there dread the whole Christmas thing?  I'm not a total Scrooge about to have a big downer on the season of goodwill but there are bits of it that I find really hard.

Today I went with best friends boy and girl and their two boys to see Santa.  Had a lovely day out, got home and ended up watching a Christmas movie on TV.  All very nice and sentimental but by the end I was crying.  Perhaps I forgot my antidepressant this morning? 

It made me think about the things I do because it's what is done rather than because I really want to.  In the years when I have really struggled with depression the holidays are torture.  I always have to paint on the happy face so that my family don't realise how depressed I am.  Even on years when I feel OK there are bits of Christmas that I find hard.

Take the work Christmas night out, last year I left really early because I felt like an outsider watching a bunch of mad strangers.  Partly this will be because I only drink with people I am very comfortable with, even then its not often I have more than one or two drinks.  Drunk people are either funny or, more often really annoying.  I was home by 10.30 watching TV with the dogs.  The year before I ended up crying then smoked?  I've never smoked in my life.  Woke up next morning feeling like I'd been licking an ash tray, rubbish night.  Most years I end up sitting next to someone I don't have much to do with and I have no idea what to say.  I end up just feeling worse and worse until I give up and go home.

This year I decided I wasn't going, that way I won't not enjoy it.  But then I ended up feeling guilty because people kept asking me to go and wanting to know why I didn't want to.  So now I'm going! 

Christmas eve, every year we go to the local pub carol singing night, it's OK but I don't know anyone so I go with my parents and sit with their friends.  I always feel like I'm about 10.  I'm an intelligent adult, I have conversations all the time, I'm actually hard to shut up but with my parents and their friends I can't think of anything to say and feel totally out of my depth. 

The Christmas bit itself I like, I think I'm pretty good at presents and like to buy people stuff they will like.  I enjoy the whole giving and receiving bit.  I like the dinner and the crappy TV, I like seeing my family.

Boxing day is another big family gathering, this can go either way.  Mostly its a great laugh but sometimes I feel out of it and like I don't belong.  Because I don't see my family often I get a lot of questions: Do you have a boyfriend? Are you courting?  Did you never want to get married?  Did you not want children?  Excuse me, 35 not 65, I'd like to think I've still time to get round to these things.  This year I'm a bit annoyed because the dogs aren't allowed to go for the party, my aunties have taken their dogs along for years but now the decision is that their dogs might not like strange dogs?

I think really I'm just not good with large groups especially if they are people I don't know too well.  I think this is something I've always had a problem with and probably why I hate parties.  I'm not antisocial I just feel really uncomfortable in these situations. 

So entering the holiday season with mixed feelings I'm thinking about the people out there who dread this time of year.  Seeing everyone seemingly so happy surrounded by family and friends can be heart breaking when you don't belong to that world.  Here's hoping everyone has the holiday that is right for them even if that's sitting watching TV with your furry friends.

Letter 3 - My Parents

Dear Mum and Dad

There is no way I can write a letter to you both together because you are so different and have been there at different times in my life so I can only do this by splitting you up as you have split up so many times before.

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Doctors review

So I had my doctors appointment today and it went OK.  With typical over stretched NHS care I had about 3 minutes with the doctor after having not seen her for about a year.  I sold the positive benefits of my meds in about 1 minute, she said "Oh yes you requested these yourself didn't you?" Making me wonder if she thinks it is some sort of placebo effect?  It so isn't, the difference between these and the other antidepressants I've tried is vast.  There is a reason for this, it is a different type of drug acting on two neurotransmitters rather than one and by a mechanism that is different (but not understood) than other similar drugs.

She took my blood pressure, it was very high.  She asked if I was nervous, ohh yes.  She took it again and it was normal.  A unique ability to normalise my blood pressure with the power of thought?

The verdict was because I have had multiple bouts of depression I can take these meds for 2 years before they consider stopping them or reducing the dose to see what happens.  My choice would be to just keep taking them as long as they work but we can have that discussion next year.

Doctors

I have to go to the doctors tomorrow, just a review appointment so that they will let me get another repeat prescription.  I hate going to the doctors, hate, hate, hate it.  If I had a big cut, broken bone, a rash or something visible I don't think it would be so bad but it seems like nearly everything I've ever gone to the doctors for has been invisible.

I never quite know what to say and probably don't help them very much.  I now know that one doctor actually started asking me the questions used to help diagnose bipolar years ago but I sort of lied because I didn't want her to judge me.  Yes, I see how this is stupid.

I went to about 4 doctors over a period of a few years to try to say that I felt awful and miserable all the time but never managed to get the words out.  I don't know why I have this problem?  I know that some people feel like doctors are special and some doctors enforce this with their god complex.  I work in the pharmaceutical industry, I probably understand what some drugs do better than a lot of doctors, I decided on my current medicine myself.  I shouldn't have a problem talking to doctors, they are just people doing a job.

I think the problem is that when it comes to depression or bipolar diagnosis it involves telling the doctor things you aren't really proud of.  Or things that most people wouldn't feel, think or say.  I understand now why I was diagnosed with mild depression when in reality I have had major depression a few times and I'm definitely somewhere on the bipolar scale.

I guess I just need to tell the truth about how it was and how it is with my drugs.  It doesn't sound hard.

All I want is to be able to keep taking the meds I have been, no changes.  I'm doing alright, my life isn't perfect, I get stressed, I occasionally get upset but it's all ok.  I don't want to get back on the roller coaster I used to live on, I like it here on the ground.

Scrappy style list

I haven't been in bloggy world much over the last week.  That's just because I've been a bit busy.  Part of the busy was beyond my control with some work stuff but the rest was self inflicted.  I've been feeling pretty low so I decided that I would get out and about a bit more than normal and try to shake it off.  This in itself shows that my tablets are working because without them I wouldn't have been able to push myself to do things.

Anyway I don't want to bore you all with lots of boo hoo my life is crappy post although it may happen occasionally.  So instead I decided to do a positive, happy blog!

A bloggy friend of mine has a passion for lists so to take a page out of her scrap book here is a list of reasons why my life is great:

1) The furry girls
How many people are lucky enough to come home to two happy bundles of love even if they only went out to the bin.  Star and Sasha are the best!  Love them, love them, love them and they love me even when I'm a miserable cow.  Unconditional love, can't beat it!

2) My best friends
I have the greatest best friends in the world.  If you want to know more check out my letter post

3) Mr Midnite
Well if I didn't put him in the list he might be upset :0).  He is a very positive person with a strange view of the world which makes for some interesting discussions.  He has a great way of making me see things differently when I'm stuck on a negative though train.  Funnily enough it is a CBT technique but he just does it naturally.  He is great fun most of the time and makes me laugh a lot.  Plus he's hot.  It would be wrong to ruin his bad boy image by telling you the sweet things he sometimes does so I'll stop now :0)

4) My ladies what lunch friends
The department that I work in isn't big but we have formed some little groups, it's not an exclusive thing you can be part of more than one group or change groups.  Some of it is kind of office or past time based.  The group I'm closest too is a group of girls who all have the hobbies of shopping, eating out and drinking cocktails.  Linked to the shopping to some extent is an appreciation of handbags, shoes and expensive cosmetics.  For blog purposes I'm going to call the core ladies Glam, Mummy and Skinny.  We have some great days out shopping and nights out eating good food and drinking cocktails, we always have a good laugh.  On top of that we do try to support each other at work.

5) My Geordie Girls
Some friends I stole!  I met them when one of my cousins got married and we got on great straight away.  Lou is from Newcastle but lives up in Glasgow so we see each other occasionally for a night with wine.  Lisa is still down in Geordie land but we catch up for a day/night out a few times a year.  I haven't known them for long but we just have such a good time together,  Thinking its the Geordie connection.    

6) My ladies what drink
More girls from work, ave to be careful with these ones.  They are non-stop party girls and a few boys.  Always out on the town, I can't keep up with them drinking but they are great fun as long as I pace myself!

7) My family
Yeah they do my head in but I love them.  I get on with my little brother better and better as we get older and that's just great.  My parents, well I've got some daddy issues but who hasn't and they are always there when I need therm.  Not always help but there. I do have a pretty big extended family and they all seem to stay near where I was born.  Guess I was one of the few the rebels who moved away.

8) My Flat
Yeah strange one to explain exactly but I love my flat, it's mine and hopefully there won't be any circumstances where I come home and get told I have to leave.  Finally have my remortgage arranged so it will actually be slightly cheaper which can only add to my love.  I guess when you have moved as many times as I have you really appreciate having your own place.  It's not a show home and there is some work needs doing but I've painted it to my taste with no one interfering and I love it!

9) Scotland and Edinburgh
Flash back, I've written about this before, check it out if you're interested

10) Cymbalta
Drugs, yes please if they make me feel calm and happy without feeling like a zombie with a vomiting bug.  I'd love to be able to think happy positive thoughts and get through life without them but I couldn't and now I'm not going to risk stopping taking them just to see what happens.

11) My job (kind of)
I like my job, most days I am pretty happy there, sometimes I hate it.  The things that make it a good job include the money they pay me, it's not loads but it's not bad.  The people there are mostly great and make the days easier to deal with, some of my clients fall in here too.  Finally I suppose I do something that can help people and occasionally I hear from clients of someone who has been helped by something we were part of, makes you feel good.

12) The strange world of the Internet
Love it, how you can now reach out to anyone anywhere in the world from your desktop.  I have friends I've never met online.  I've got back in touch with school friends and been able to stay in touch with other friends.  Its a whole new realm of socialising and I like it.

13) Handbags
They make me happy!

14) Books
Allowing me to experience so many things from the comfort of my own home!

15) Music
Self explanatory really

16) Food
Chocolate, strawberries, tea and toast, eating out at nice restaurants.  Yum!

17) Health and fitness
I'm reasonably fit and mostly healthy give or take some crazy. I can pretty much do what I want although I'm unlikely to get to figure skate in the winter Olympics.  Just the head trash to deal with!

That was quite therapeutic really, I thought I would struggle to get 10 but the more I think the more there is.  See my depression when it hits seems to be a chemical thing not event related.  I've not really got anything to be miserable about and that in itself makes me very lucky.

And they all fall down

Little Miss Midnite trying her best
Doesn't know how to cope with the stress
Along came her boss who couldn't give a toss
And gave her more shit to deal with!

I'm new to poetry!

Little Miss Midnite has lost her mind
And doesn't know where to find it.
Leave it alone and it will come home
Dragging her brains behind it.

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The Wonderful thing about Tiggers

The wonderful thing about tiggers

Is tiggers are wonderful things!
Their tops are made out of rubber;
Their bottoms are made out of springs!
They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy,
Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!
But the most wonderful thing about tiggers is
I'm the only one!

I'm not trying to claim that the lyrical masterpiece above is mine, clearly it is the work of Disney.  I was just using this as an introduction to telling you that I went to work as Tigger today. 

Obviously this was unintentional, I didn't get up this morning and by mistake (or because it is past washing day and I'm out of clean clothes) put on a Tigger outfit:

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The Worst Night

Before I was unofficially diagnosed as bipolar I didn't really understand what was going on in my head, during manic phases, I used to go crazy and do really stupid things.  At this time I was coming towards the end of a pretty long manic period.  I had been going out clubbing up to five nights a week and was experiencing some things that I now know are symptoms of mania.  I had been seeing Mr Midnite and another guy at the same time but I had just thrown my toys out of the pram and dumped them both. 

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Arrrrgh

Promise promise to try not to do this often but must have a rant about work today.

I'm busy, busy, busy and struggling to get through all my work.  I've been busy since April and have mentioned it to my boss at each meeting but still the work keeps coming.  I have my clients and when they bring new work its mine regardless of how busy I am.  This isn't great but it would be OK if on top of that they didn't keep giving me more stuff.

We have a stupid workload tracking system, whenever I drop below 100% I say I can take something new.  I sad this in April and got 5 new projects ............... 5, I asked for 1.

There are people at work who have sat at between 50 and 75% capacity for months and they got no new projects.

How is that fair!

On top of that I have been asked to pick up extra stuff over the last few weeks. I have an issue saying no and they know it.  One of the bosses, not my line manager uses this to manipulate me, I know she is doing it.  She asked me to fit some training in this week and I really couldn't.  She made a comment about having to tell the big bosses that it won't be done and hit my guilt gland, before I know it I was agreeing to do the training.  Kicking myself for not standing my ground now.  That said I could kick her for using my weakness against me ........ bitch!

I've told them before that if I get too stressed for long periods it makes me manic, I get major insomnia and eventually I crash into depression.  I've asked them to listen to me when I say I'm busy / stressed because I don't want to get ill again.  It is in their interests too because if I got really bad I could end up off sick.  I don't want a light workload, I'll do my share and probably a bit more but when I say "too much" they should listen.  Last time we went round this cycle I went to HR and the company Doctor to get the department to listen.  Lasted about 8 months now we are going round again.

I have done everything I can to deal with my "mental health issues".  I try really hard to stop it from running my life.  I take drugs everyday and they help me a lot but they are not miracles, you can push me past their ability to help.  I know all the signs of me getting towards either manic or really depressed.  It took a lot of time and hundreds of pounds in therapy to get so I can cope. I have had to change my lifestyle in quite a few ways to focus on balance and calm.  I have to avoid over doing anything but I equally have to avoid falling into a pattern of doing nothing. 

Why would I invest all this time, money and for want of a better description soul searching to throw it all away.  I think work had an obligation to listen to me, I have been honest with them.  I work hard and I am really, really good at my job.  What is the problem with just accepting that I've said I'm busy so they shouldn't give me anything else for a few weeks.  Is that a lot to ask?

I sat in my car this morning and just didn't want to go in.  I finally went in at 9.12, twelve minutes late even though I was in the car park early.  I sat at my desk and looked at my list, unanswered e-mails etc and the thought "I can't do this" sprang into my head.  Luckily I have an on call therapist, I phone Mr Midnite and chatted to him for a while. 

He is pretty much the most chilled out person I have met.  He does get stressed but he kind of puts it away if he can't do anything and stops worrying.  Mr Midnite is big into The Secret and the whole positive thinking and energy thing.  He sort of does it naturally, he is generally a really positive, energetic person.  He is also kind of calm in a energetic way, he moves about a lot but it isn't a stress thing he just dances and drums and keeps moving. 

So after a quick therapy session I faced my pile of work head on with the thought.  I can do this, I'm good at this. I'll prioritise and do the important stuff the rest can wait.

Ohh and I booked next week off, will this help my workload?  No, but it will help meand guess who is most important?  YES  that's right, I am.  It'll all be there when I get back but I hope to be a calmer happier person who can deal with it and most importantly say NO to anything new.

No, just say NO!

I feel drawn to you!

Today I went to an event in Glasgow called Glam, had a great day with some friends drinking cocktails and wandering around fashion stalls, having our make-up done, buying the odd trinket.  All very nice.

One of the exhibitors was a psychic, we went along to a workshop just to see what she was like.  She wanted someone to let her touch and look at their handbag to see what she could tell about them.  So I volunteered, must have been feeling brave. 

I am interested in the idea of psychic powers and like to give it a try and see what they say.  My Dad seems to attract gypsies etc who just approach him and tell him things, for no money!  I don't get that, I have to seek them out!

So up I hopped with handbag in hand and this is what she came up with:

1) I'm seeing two very different sides to your personality.  MrsM thought, I'm bipolar

2) You can be very secretive and keep to yourself but with the right people you are very open.  MrsM thought, I used to keep it all in but now I'm pretty open.  Still some things I'll only tell the odd person or my blog.

3) Have you recently been to the dentist?  MrsM thought no, but I used to be a dental nurse and had just had a chat about it last night.  Plus just before we started this I'd seen a stall about teeth whitening and had a memory of how boring I found that.

4) Strange I'm also seeing eyes, have you recently been to the optician?  MrsM thought, yes, yesterday.  See my blog about it - link
5) Are you involved with some sort of alternative therapy like Rekki or Yoga?  MrsM thought, I have just signed up for yoga classes (blogged about that too - link) at a place that does all sorts of alternative stuff.  I've been thinking about it in my aim to stay calm. 

6) You seem to be psychic yourself, have you noticed that?  MrsM thought, I've been told that before.  I have pretty good intuition and as Mr Midnite says I pick up moods much more than most.  I just think I'm sensitive to moods and how people are feeling.  Psychic said what I call sensitive is a psychic ability that I'm ignoring. I should follow my intuition.

So dear blog followers, tell me do you think these 6 things were wild stabs in the dark that are so general they could apply to anyone?  Do you think she is just a very observant person and perhaps things about me gave her clues?  Or do you think she truly has a power?

Interested to know what you think.

Fancy a yoga class?

Deep in the bosom of the gentle night
Is when I search for the light
Pick up my pen and start to write
I struggle, I fight dark forces in the clear moonlight
Without fear
Insomnia
I can't get no sleep

I'm currently suffering from really bad insomnia, it is driving me mental (well more mental than normal).  It's into the 4th week now and I just can't sleep.  I have had this before, it comes and goes and so far I haven't found a really good solution for it.  I've tried lots of different things over the years, milky drinks and bananas before bed, lavender sleep pillow, warm relaxing baths, set bed and get up times, cutting out caffeine, taking sleeping tablets, puppy cuddle therapy etc etc etc etc.

I used to do yoga during one of my exercise phases and I know it can help me relax so I was thinking of trying that to fight the insomnia.  Sunday night is my worst insomnia night, it's a close race but Sunday generally wins.  I suspect the cause is going back to work on Monday but as I don't actually lie awake thinking about work, no I lie awake wondering if I have dog food or if I should wear different shoes or composing blogs.  It's never anything obviously stressful, just keeps me awake.

So I googled "yoga Edinburgh Sunday" and found a few thousand places that do yoga classes.  Here's where it got confusing.  I used to go to my gym and do yoga, no problem.  Now there are hundreds of different types of yoga:

Hatha Yoga

Hatha Vinyasa Yoga
Ashtanga Yoga
Iyengar Yoga
Kundalini Yoga
Restorative Yoga
Yin Yoga
Yoga Nidra
Meditation
Pilates
Tai Chi

So which yoga class should I select to cure my insomnia?  Not a clue because I have no idea what the differences are, I'm a bit safer with the bottom 3 but they were not what I wanted.  If I was after a Tai Chi class I'd have googled Tai Chi. 

More research or should I just pick one with a cool name?