To go or not to go

That is the question.

You know at work (or in school) you get groups of people.  You get the popular group, the swotty group, the nerd group, the always out group etc etc.

See how it sounds like school but it still happens when you are the far side of mid 30s and supposedly professional.

Well tonight is a leaving do for one of the popular kids.  I'm not one of them.  Apparently I can be difficult to get along with.  This is a fair point, I have mood swings, I'm unstable and can be a very different person depending on which side of the pole my moods are on any given day.  Thing is I'm not horrible, I always try to be nice to people and largely try not to bitch (hard thought this can be), I can be funny and entertaining, I can be depressed or hyperactive irritating.  Hey hoo that's the breaks.

I'm lucky in that I have great friends who I love to teeny tiny bits.  I have some good friends at work too but at work there are people who don't really seem to like me much.  It doesn't really bother me, except for the paranoia debate.  Am I just paranoid or do they really not like me?  Who cares?

As my therapist says "What people think of you is none of your business."  I like me, I'm happy to be me. 

But back to the leaving do.  Today there is only about 50% of the department in, they have all gone to the pub for lunch but didn't ask me.  They are not particularly my friends, not that I don't like them or anything we are just part of different groups.  But if one of them was in on their own and I had lunch plans I would have invited them.  It's the polite, friendly thing to do.

So tonight the leaving do will be largely these people and my paranoia is creeping in telling me not to go, they don't like me.

I'm driving Mr Midnite later tonight and then we are thinking of going for a dance but I had planned to go to the leaving do first.  Now I just don't feel welcome.  Can't decide if this is paranoia or just intuition, can anyone spot the difference?

So today wasn't the best day

We had a meeting at work today, it was supposed to be last week but was snowed off.  I was surprised they rearranged it as the CEO came over from the US for it last week.  Suppose this should have been a sign.

The meeting started with a stuttered thank you for efforts made to get to work and keep things going through the bad weather.  Then we were told that they are looking at closing 2 of the 4 Scottish sites, one of those is the site I'm based at.  Merry Christmas, great timing!  They are starting a 90 day consultation to decide what they are going to do but the worst and most likely case is that they will close.  Basically there has been a change in focus in the industry and there is less demand for the work done on these sites.  An affect of the global economic down turn. 

I suppose I have respect for the CEO for coming and telling us the news in person rather than leaving it to our local managers.  

After that we had a group meeting and were told the our team are a global rather than a site resource so there is a possibility that we can move to other sites within Scotland.

Later the head of human resources for Europe came and told the team that there would be positions available at the other sites for anyone who wants one.

Roller coaster!   I think I started feeling like maybe this is the kick in the butt I need to go and get a different job, use my MBA.  Then I moved to feeling angry, I and others on our sites have put in so much work.  We have turned work away because parts of the business were too busy but lost staff because other areas were quiet.  I have been fighting to get work done due to lack of resource yet apparently we are not doing enough and there is no work out there.  I'm not a business analyst but I have to say I find it hard to understand.  After that I moved on to sad, I looked at some of my colleagues and thought I'll miss them, I like a lot of them.

Finding out we were safe is great and yes I'll be able to pay my mortgage but I'm still upset about all my friends (including best friend girl) who are unlikely to be so lucky.  I'm upset that they are throwing away all the effort people have put in and all the skills and talent that the staff have. 

Many in my team were saying that people are going to hate us when they find out we are going to be moved rather than made redundant.  They were saying that it is going to be really stressful and difficult to get work completed.  Maybe I am naive but I think most people will continue to do a good job until they leave.  I'm sure the stress will show through and some will make comments about us but I don't think many will hate us.  I could list the people who will be difficult now.  I feel really bad for all the other people I work with, I'm gutted that this is happening to them.  The people I work with have made my job enjoyable and have helped me deal with the stress.  I will miss them a lot and although I'll get used to the people at the new site it won't be the same as working with the ones who where there when I didn't have a clue.

I don't know how I feel just now, probably just sad.  The advantage of taking an antidepressant (that for random reasons acts as a mood stabiliser for me) is the automatic cushion to bad news.  I know its bad but the reaction is reduced.  Thank Lilly for Cymbalta, without which I would be a crying heap of depression tonight.

Think I'll go to bed now and see what tomorrow brings, not really looking forward to it.

Miner Thoughts

I'm sure everyone has seen the news that the miners in Chile were all rescued earlier this week.  Great to see some good news, I found it quite addictive watching them come out.  I love the reactions they had to their freedom, everything from hugging strangers, kneeling in prayer and handing out souvenir rocks. 

I just want to say before I go on the I have great respect for the miners who seem to have stayed calm during the whole 69 days.  The first days when they didn't know if anyone realised they were still alive must have been awful. 

I get a bit claustrophobic so the idea of being trapped underground in a pretty small place is horrific to me.  My dad was a miner, in fact most of my male ancestors were, my great great grandfather was killed in a mining accident, I found the details on a website.  I have actually been in an a couple of mines, one in a museum and one working mine.  I didn't like either and couldn't wait to get out.   But I have being thinking that apart from the youngest these guys have been miners for a long time.  They are used to these conditions and most likely don't get claustrophobic so the things that would terrify me wouldn't bother them as much.

When I was reading about the preparations for them coming out I got the impression they were going to be kept isolated and that they were expecting them to be really traumatised.  That's not the impression I got watching.  I wonder how much of that is the initial adrenaline rush and excitement of getting rescued?  I'm also wondering how much the press have hyped the expected trauma for the story?  What will the long term effects of these events be for these men, will they get post traumatic shock?  I don't really know, I think I would have nightmares about tunnels and being trapped.

The whole ordeal made me think a few different and slightly random things that I thought I would share:

1) Apart from the first days how different was the miners experience to that of the big brother contestants?  OK it was dark, damp and probably a bit smelly but the rest?  Trapped in a confined space with a group of other people you wouldn't necessarily choose to be with.  Entirely dependant on the outsiders to pass you information, food and water.  Your day broken into tasks to keep you active.  A few TV cameras and 24 hour coverage all we needed was Davina presenting and some kind of voting.  How long before a reality TV show thinks of recreating this?

2) How long will it be before the Fenix rescue capsule is a new ride at Alton Towers or Disneyland?  Can you stand the terror of the Fenix rescue ride?

3) If in some kind of weird event I ended up trapped with my work colleagues for 69 days there is no way we would all make it out alive.  I work with a man I am going to affectionately call the Prince of Darkness, in this situation there would be a choice between him or the rest of us surviving. 

4) 5 of them were coming out to face the fact that their wives and mistresses had met.  Would you perhaps be taking the next shuttle back down?  5 out of 33 men here have a long term mistress, do you think this is a reasonable representation of the numbers across the rest of men?

5) If you were one of the miners and assuming the TV and book deals don't set you up for life would you ever go back in a mine again?

6) I misguidedly thought my dad as an ex miner would be interested in the rescue but when I mentioned it during the news he wasn't.  I guess when he walked out on the last day he put it behind him although to here him talk after a few pints you would think he was still down on the face.  He did comment that if they had got trapped no one would have drilled down to get them.  Makes sense, they were mining 9 miles out under the North Sea.

Letter 3 - My Parents

Dear Mum and Dad

There is no way I can write a letter to you both together because you are so different and have been there at different times in my life so I can only do this by splitting you up as you have split up so many times before.

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Doctors

I have to go to the doctors tomorrow, just a review appointment so that they will let me get another repeat prescription.  I hate going to the doctors, hate, hate, hate it.  If I had a big cut, broken bone, a rash or something visible I don't think it would be so bad but it seems like nearly everything I've ever gone to the doctors for has been invisible.

I never quite know what to say and probably don't help them very much.  I now know that one doctor actually started asking me the questions used to help diagnose bipolar years ago but I sort of lied because I didn't want her to judge me.  Yes, I see how this is stupid.

I went to about 4 doctors over a period of a few years to try to say that I felt awful and miserable all the time but never managed to get the words out.  I don't know why I have this problem?  I know that some people feel like doctors are special and some doctors enforce this with their god complex.  I work in the pharmaceutical industry, I probably understand what some drugs do better than a lot of doctors, I decided on my current medicine myself.  I shouldn't have a problem talking to doctors, they are just people doing a job.

I think the problem is that when it comes to depression or bipolar diagnosis it involves telling the doctor things you aren't really proud of.  Or things that most people wouldn't feel, think or say.  I understand now why I was diagnosed with mild depression when in reality I have had major depression a few times and I'm definitely somewhere on the bipolar scale.

I guess I just need to tell the truth about how it was and how it is with my drugs.  It doesn't sound hard.

All I want is to be able to keep taking the meds I have been, no changes.  I'm doing alright, my life isn't perfect, I get stressed, I occasionally get upset but it's all ok.  I don't want to get back on the roller coaster I used to live on, I like it here on the ground.

Only dead fish go with the flow

I don't know where I heard this but it makes sense to me.  I constantly hear people saying they are just going with the flow.  I think it means just letting life take you where ever it wants without you particularly trying to direct anything.  I looked it up and google provided the following definitions:

To 'go with the flow' means to not have a particularly strong opinion on something, and thus follow the majority. Or to not attempt to exert a large amount of influence on the course of events.

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Alternative Perspectives

Something a bit different for my blog today.  A creative writing assignment a friend has to do, I thought I'd give it a go too.  The brief was about half a page but basically it was to take a situation and try to see it from lots of different angles. 

1) Suddenly I understand why they call it your monthly friend. All these years I thought of it as the curse but now I can't wait to see my friend. I can't believe it's late, oh God have I really fucked my life up this time. Well fucked would be the right word. Maybe it's just late, I've got stomach cramps, it will come in a day or two.

Shit, shit,shit. Nothing, friend my ass, this can't be happening, I'm 16. What am I going to do now. I don't even know who to tell.

Thank God, it's here. I'm so relieved, I'm never going to be so stupid again. Just pleased I didn't speak to anyone about it. I would be so embarrassed if they knew what I'd done.

2) Well my life is over, that little blue cross might as well be on my tombstone. What do I do now? I don't even know where to start. A baby, what would I do with a baby? I wanted to go to college, I wanted to get away from here. How do I do that with a baby?

Who can I tell? What do I say? I never thought this would happen to me. I'm not a slut, I don't sleep around, I'm careful. Why did this happen to me? Why won't it just go away? I wish this had never happened. I need to do something but I just want to bury my head under the duvet and never come out.

I can't believe I have to go though this. Hospital appointments, doctors poking about inside me, why can't it just be over so I can get on with my life. Surgery, bleeding and feeling so tired. When will this be over so I get get on with my life?

3) I wait. Every month I wait. It always comes and then every month I cry. Every month I try to face the idea that there is something wrong with me. I see the look in his eyes, I know he would never say anything but he can't hide the look. That hurts too. I've let him down, I'm not right, a failure.

Another month, another failed test. We argue about nothing because we can't mention the problem. I try to be perfect, the perfect wife that everyone thinks I am. But I can't do the one thing the would make everything right. Why is it so important? Because it is what I always wanted. On the streets I see women with huge swollen stomachs, I hate them. I see girls pushing babies in push chairs. I want to grab them and tell them I would be a better mum.

Another month and another. The arguments get worse. I can't be perfect anymore, I'm not perfect, I'm broken. His eyes say all the things that he doesn't, I can't give him what he wants. I can't give myself what I want. Nothing can replace that, there is no substitute. I cry again and secretly hope that next month will be different.

4) I knew you were there, I knew straight away, I could feel you inside. You didn't make me sick or tired, I just knew. I felt different, not bad or good just different. I did the test but I already knew and I was right. I tried to do all the right things, I took the vitamins, I didn't eat this or that and I did everything the doctors and the books suggested. I saw you little tadpole, on the screen, not that I needed to, like I said I knew.

But now you're gone and I feel empty. I didn't know that you could feel this way and still live. I am going on with my life but my heart is breaking with the pain. You won't have a life. Broken heart, I didn't know that feeling bad could give you physical pain. I have cried so much that I feel as though my chest will split and inside they will see my heart shattered into a thousand pieces.

I wonder what you were, a girl or a boy? I think you were a girl but I'll never know because you are gone. I know I thought about how you would change my life and I was scared. But I was excited too, I couldn't wait to meet you and to see who you would be. Now none of this will happen because you're gone and I'm so very very sad.

5) Pregnant?  How did that happen?  I never thought it would happen to me.  Somewhere inside of me a tiny someone is growing.  Couldn't hold in the excitement and told him, I don't think he knows what to do with this.  I don't know what I expected, maybe I never even thought about it.

Another rejection, my family.  They say to get rid of it, that would be best. They say I can't handle it and that I would ruin my my life.  He says he doesn't want this either.  I don't know what to do now.  I think I could do it with some support but no one wants to help me.  I feel more alone now than I have ever been before.  Funny when I am not even alone in my own body.

No one wants me to do this but I don't want to hurt you.  I'm worried that if I do this on my own I will end up hurting you anyway.   I'm scared of you.  I'm scared of myself.  I wish I had someone to talk to but they all say the same and that doesn't help.  Negativity, am I hurting you already with these thoughts.  I'm sorry.  I can't hurt you but I can't keep you.

6) It's time to come out now little lady, we've waited long enough to meet you.  My body is battered from the effort of growing you.  I'm uncomfortable, and really want coffee, cheese and a gin and tonic. 

You're here!  I can't believe after all this time I am holding you and looking into you perfect pink face.  You are kind of wrinkled but perfect.  I look at him, your daddy and see the expression of amazement on his face.  We made this and she's perfect. 

Life will never be the same again for us.  From now there will be you to love and protect, you to watch grow and change.  I can't really believe you are here, it seems like a dream.  Maybe that is why I can't stop looking at you.  Now I understand.

Danilo Lex - Woman Spirits - Three