To go or not to go

That is the question.

You know at work (or in school) you get groups of people.  You get the popular group, the swotty group, the nerd group, the always out group etc etc.

See how it sounds like school but it still happens when you are the far side of mid 30s and supposedly professional.

Well tonight is a leaving do for one of the popular kids.  I'm not one of them.  Apparently I can be difficult to get along with.  This is a fair point, I have mood swings, I'm unstable and can be a very different person depending on which side of the pole my moods are on any given day.  Thing is I'm not horrible, I always try to be nice to people and largely try not to bitch (hard thought this can be), I can be funny and entertaining, I can be depressed or hyperactive irritating.  Hey hoo that's the breaks.

I'm lucky in that I have great friends who I love to teeny tiny bits.  I have some good friends at work too but at work there are people who don't really seem to like me much.  It doesn't really bother me, except for the paranoia debate.  Am I just paranoid or do they really not like me?  Who cares?

As my therapist says "What people think of you is none of your business."  I like me, I'm happy to be me. 

But back to the leaving do.  Today there is only about 50% of the department in, they have all gone to the pub for lunch but didn't ask me.  They are not particularly my friends, not that I don't like them or anything we are just part of different groups.  But if one of them was in on their own and I had lunch plans I would have invited them.  It's the polite, friendly thing to do.

So tonight the leaving do will be largely these people and my paranoia is creeping in telling me not to go, they don't like me.

I'm driving Mr Midnite later tonight and then we are thinking of going for a dance but I had planned to go to the leaving do first.  Now I just don't feel welcome.  Can't decide if this is paranoia or just intuition, can anyone spot the difference?

Pearls

I have been thinking about things, not always the best idea but apparently the off button on my brain is missing.  Anyway one of the things that I was thinking about was how things haven't been going very well for me recently.  If you read my blog you will know I've had neighbour trouble, car trouble, redundancies at work and my gran is ill.  These thoughts could easily have become a self pitying path to depression but they weren't.

Instead I was thinking about how well I have been handling these things.  I have been stressed, upset and angry but not to the extreme.  I have been able to carry on with my life, going out, working and seeing friends while these unpleasant things were going on.  Not so very long ago I wouldn't have coped with these things, it could have gone two ways.  I would either have stressed myself into a manic mess where I would likely have gone a bit crazy with excessive going out and shopping, remember the handbags?  Or, I would have plummeted into a major depression and stayed in bed.

Mr Midnite would tell me that the bad things have been sent to show me I can cope.  It is easier to be positive when everything is good, the challenge is to stay positive when things aren't.  I used to get depressed sometimes for no reason so if something did happen I had no chance.  Now I have difficult things in my life and I still feel OK.

Not sure if I'm explaining this very well?

Anyway to reach the pearls from today's title.  I have a charm bracelet and I buy myself the occasional charm that means something.  I have a little heart to remind me to love myself and a little dog to remind me to be happy.  I went into the shop today to try and find something to signify turning negatives to positives.  I had no idea when I went in what that would be I just knew something would be there that would represent what I wanted.  I browsed the shop for a while and then spotted just the thing. 

When I saw it I immediately thought of how pearls are formed by the shelled creatures.  A little piece of dirt gets stuck inside and causes irritation so the creature forms a pearl to protect itself.  From an irritation it produces a thing of beauty.  A positive from a negative. Perfect!

Doctors review

So I had my doctors appointment today and it went OK.  With typical over stretched NHS care I had about 3 minutes with the doctor after having not seen her for about a year.  I sold the positive benefits of my meds in about 1 minute, she said "Oh yes you requested these yourself didn't you?" Making me wonder if she thinks it is some sort of placebo effect?  It so isn't, the difference between these and the other antidepressants I've tried is vast.  There is a reason for this, it is a different type of drug acting on two neurotransmitters rather than one and by a mechanism that is different (but not understood) than other similar drugs.

She took my blood pressure, it was very high.  She asked if I was nervous, ohh yes.  She took it again and it was normal.  A unique ability to normalise my blood pressure with the power of thought?

The verdict was because I have had multiple bouts of depression I can take these meds for 2 years before they consider stopping them or reducing the dose to see what happens.  My choice would be to just keep taking them as long as they work but we can have that discussion next year.

Scrappy style list

I haven't been in bloggy world much over the last week.  That's just because I've been a bit busy.  Part of the busy was beyond my control with some work stuff but the rest was self inflicted.  I've been feeling pretty low so I decided that I would get out and about a bit more than normal and try to shake it off.  This in itself shows that my tablets are working because without them I wouldn't have been able to push myself to do things.

Anyway I don't want to bore you all with lots of boo hoo my life is crappy post although it may happen occasionally.  So instead I decided to do a positive, happy blog!

A bloggy friend of mine has a passion for lists so to take a page out of her scrap book here is a list of reasons why my life is great:

1) The furry girls
How many people are lucky enough to come home to two happy bundles of love even if they only went out to the bin.  Star and Sasha are the best!  Love them, love them, love them and they love me even when I'm a miserable cow.  Unconditional love, can't beat it!

2) My best friends
I have the greatest best friends in the world.  If you want to know more check out my letter post

3) Mr Midnite
Well if I didn't put him in the list he might be upset :0).  He is a very positive person with a strange view of the world which makes for some interesting discussions.  He has a great way of making me see things differently when I'm stuck on a negative though train.  Funnily enough it is a CBT technique but he just does it naturally.  He is great fun most of the time and makes me laugh a lot.  Plus he's hot.  It would be wrong to ruin his bad boy image by telling you the sweet things he sometimes does so I'll stop now :0)

4) My ladies what lunch friends
The department that I work in isn't big but we have formed some little groups, it's not an exclusive thing you can be part of more than one group or change groups.  Some of it is kind of office or past time based.  The group I'm closest too is a group of girls who all have the hobbies of shopping, eating out and drinking cocktails.  Linked to the shopping to some extent is an appreciation of handbags, shoes and expensive cosmetics.  For blog purposes I'm going to call the core ladies Glam, Mummy and Skinny.  We have some great days out shopping and nights out eating good food and drinking cocktails, we always have a good laugh.  On top of that we do try to support each other at work.

5) My Geordie Girls
Some friends I stole!  I met them when one of my cousins got married and we got on great straight away.  Lou is from Newcastle but lives up in Glasgow so we see each other occasionally for a night with wine.  Lisa is still down in Geordie land but we catch up for a day/night out a few times a year.  I haven't known them for long but we just have such a good time together,  Thinking its the Geordie connection.    

6) My ladies what drink
More girls from work, ave to be careful with these ones.  They are non-stop party girls and a few boys.  Always out on the town, I can't keep up with them drinking but they are great fun as long as I pace myself!

7) My family
Yeah they do my head in but I love them.  I get on with my little brother better and better as we get older and that's just great.  My parents, well I've got some daddy issues but who hasn't and they are always there when I need therm.  Not always help but there. I do have a pretty big extended family and they all seem to stay near where I was born.  Guess I was one of the few the rebels who moved away.

8) My Flat
Yeah strange one to explain exactly but I love my flat, it's mine and hopefully there won't be any circumstances where I come home and get told I have to leave.  Finally have my remortgage arranged so it will actually be slightly cheaper which can only add to my love.  I guess when you have moved as many times as I have you really appreciate having your own place.  It's not a show home and there is some work needs doing but I've painted it to my taste with no one interfering and I love it!

9) Scotland and Edinburgh
Flash back, I've written about this before, check it out if you're interested

10) Cymbalta
Drugs, yes please if they make me feel calm and happy without feeling like a zombie with a vomiting bug.  I'd love to be able to think happy positive thoughts and get through life without them but I couldn't and now I'm not going to risk stopping taking them just to see what happens.

11) My job (kind of)
I like my job, most days I am pretty happy there, sometimes I hate it.  The things that make it a good job include the money they pay me, it's not loads but it's not bad.  The people there are mostly great and make the days easier to deal with, some of my clients fall in here too.  Finally I suppose I do something that can help people and occasionally I hear from clients of someone who has been helped by something we were part of, makes you feel good.

12) The strange world of the Internet
Love it, how you can now reach out to anyone anywhere in the world from your desktop.  I have friends I've never met online.  I've got back in touch with school friends and been able to stay in touch with other friends.  Its a whole new realm of socialising and I like it.

13) Handbags
They make me happy!

14) Books
Allowing me to experience so many things from the comfort of my own home!

15) Music
Self explanatory really

16) Food
Chocolate, strawberries, tea and toast, eating out at nice restaurants.  Yum!

17) Health and fitness
I'm reasonably fit and mostly healthy give or take some crazy. I can pretty much do what I want although I'm unlikely to get to figure skate in the winter Olympics.  Just the head trash to deal with!

That was quite therapeutic really, I thought I would struggle to get 10 but the more I think the more there is.  See my depression when it hits seems to be a chemical thing not event related.  I've not really got anything to be miserable about and that in itself makes me very lucky.

The Worst Night

Before I was unofficially diagnosed as bipolar I didn't really understand what was going on in my head, during manic phases, I used to go crazy and do really stupid things.  At this time I was coming towards the end of a pretty long manic period.  I had been going out clubbing up to five nights a week and was experiencing some things that I now know are symptoms of mania.  I had been seeing Mr Midnite and another guy at the same time but I had just thrown my toys out of the pram and dumped them both. 

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Do you hear voices?

When I hear about people hearing voices I wonder what the difference is between the voices that mean you are clinically insane and the voices that I hear in my head. I hope there is a difference!

I have my loud conscious head voice which is most definitely me. It is the voice that is saying these words in my head as I think and type them. Its the voice of my thoughts, shall I get up now, I need to buy milk, I wonder why he did that etc etc through the day. If I try I can consciously stop this voice reasonable easily, I have to concentrate because as soon as I don't it starts up again generally with a thought like "I can't hear it, oh crap there it is".

Once this voice is quiet I can become more aware of the other voices, the next loudest voice is probably my subconscious. I'm not really sure if that's what it is but its the best way I can describe those thoughts. This is continuous but I don't always notice it. This is the part of my mind that seems to be creative, it is where ideas whiz around at high speed. I'm not always sure this voice is mine, it has ideas and I don't know where they come from, they are random and often interesting thoughts. When I am trying to relax and my conscious thoughts are focused on deep breathing or not thinking these thoughts are easier to hear. When I am trying to sleep it is this voice that keeps me awake. If I try really hard I can get these thoughts to join the conscious thoughts and get them to focus on breathing in and out or counting sheep.

Only then do I become aware of the third voice, it is very quiet but I can hear it between the words when the conscious and subconscious thoughts are synchronised. It seems to be a questioner, or perhaps interrogator is a better description. It asks "why did you do that?" "What did they mean when they said ......?" "Where is Mr Midnite tonight?" Most often it isn't a nice voice and the conscious and subconscious thoughts have to leap in with answers to try to defend myself. The conscious is training its self to say "I don't need to worry about these things, I'm happy and I'm not going to defend myself." This voice isn't always there but when it is I can't really stop it from continuing, its best then to just let my subconscious and conscious thoughts talk over it and hope that it doesn't manage to influence their thoughts.

Below the questioner or maybe instead of it there is another voice that I can only hear if the conscious and subconscious thoughts are in sync and the questioner is out. It is very very quiet, I call it the whisperer. It is much nicer than the questioner, it is a whisper of hopes and dreams. I wish this voice was louder. Perhaps it is the reverse of the questioner, the positive version because within the hopes there are questions.

I suspect there are 9 levels of voices, similar to the levels of hell in Dante's inferno. The very bottom of the levels are the voices I can't distinguish but they are the ones that set the time of everything. I can't hear the words but I can pick up the feelings behind the words. They are what I think of as mood voices, if they are positive then I am happy and positive too. If they get too excited then I become a bit hyper. If they are negative their influence causes me to become depressed and negative.

I have no real control over the lower voices but having tried to work on positive thinking I suspect that if I train my conscious thoughts to be happy and positive it will influence the lower ones and help them to stay positive.

I have no idea if this is normal, perhaps I do hear voices in a crazy way but as long as they don't control me I don't suppose it's a problem?

Election thought

Was wondering, if you have a split personality do you get two votes?