January 2011 Sucked

Just thought I'd share that.

I moved into the new year feeling optimistic, the end of 2010 wasn't the best but I had high hopes for 2011. But

My gran after spending 2 months in hospital died last Wednesday afternoon. She was 85 and had a good life, we have a close family, I'm the only one who has moved away. She had a good life and had told everyone not to be upset about her. The infection she had wasn't clearing up and the only real option was surgery. It was very high risk but she got through the operation and seemed to be better but the infection had spread and there wasn't anything they could really do. She had signed a do not resuscitate order before the surgery in case her heart failed, she wasn't the type to be content sitting in bed so maybe this is better than something long and drawn out. It's a strange feeling because I am so far from my family nothing has changed for me but I can't help feeling sad.

My little dog, the red furry one, Star is in season and did a spectacular Houdini escape act earlier this week straight into the paws of a giant mixed breed monster. I shouted at him and he ran away with the little tart chasing him down the street. Me following after, when I caught her and was carrying her back the dog was chasing me. Must have looked like something from Benny Hill. I'm pretty sure he didn't get her but I have to wait three weeks before the vet can check. The dog has been hanging about outside with little Star sitting on the window ledge watching him and crying to get out. It's like some really wrong canine Romeo and Juliet.

I have had a stinky cold and a kidney infection for the whole of January, two courses of antibiotics to shift it. I'm feeling better now but somewhere I've lost a few weeks.

Work is awful with the treat of redundancy hanging over the majority of my colleagues, it is looking more and more like they will be closing two of our four sites so the mood isn't great.

Add to that the general January grey days and lack of funds it has been a crappy month.

So here's to February, the real New Year. I'm thinking in song lyrics, "Things can only get better" and "The only way is up, baby!"

On the positive side my antidepressants are clearly miracle drugs, I am coping with the January blues and I'm optimistic that things will improve.

I will be back with a happier post soon!
Mrs M

Last Day of 2010

As I'm starting this parts of the earth are entering 2011 while some are just starting the last day of 2010.  Here in Edinburgh we are half way through the last day of 2010.

I find New Year's Eve or Hogmanay as it is in Scotland a strange celebration, we welcome the new year with a big party to say hello.  Not to say I don't enjoy it, any excuse for a party and all that I just find the celebration and superstitions a bit odd. 

A lot of people pay to get into there local pubs or travel to cities and stand in the cold to countdown to the New Year.  The pubs are full of people who have never been there during the previous year and probably won't be there in the new one.  A lot of people end up in places they wouldn't go with people they rarely see to welcome the new year.   We join hands and sing and kiss strangers.  It's fun and nice but to me a bit weird.

My gran used to say that you shouldn't be in debt on New Year's Day or you will be in debt for the whole year.  It was very important for her to pay all her bills before the end of the year.  She also used to say to my brother and I "don't fight on New Year's Day or you'll be fighting all year".  I've heard this idea expanded to include thing like having to have a clean house, an empty washing basket, a full fridge and even a great haircut.

So you leave your house spotlessly clean with your washing all done and you head out to stand in the cold with a sparkly drink.  You count down the final seconds of the old year and sing Auld Lang Syne.  You welcome the new year with hugs, kisses and best wishes to all.  Then you head home and off to bed.  New Years day you sleep in late and wake with a hangover, you spend the day on the sofa watching TV and eating junk food. 

So how does this fit with the superstition, if you spend New Year's Day lying on the sofa with a hangover does this mean you will spend the rest of the year like this?  Actually that explains quite a few people I have met. 

Anyway for me New Year is generally spent having some found with best friend boy and girl and then watching TV with a glass or two of wine.  It's very nice and you don't lose New Year's Day in a hungover haze. 

It's now New Year everywhere in the world so here's to 2011, Health Wealth and Happiness, here's wishing you all you wish yourself.  Happy New Year.

Mixed up Christmas

The furry girls and I have arrived back in our calm home after the Christmas extravaganza. 

First just to mention, I got a pan set for Christmas.  People seem to think this is the equivalent of a husband buying the wife an iron but I'm happy with my pans.  The set I had allegedly had heat resistant handles, this was a lie.  The handles were sort of painted black, they always got hot but when the paint layer washed off they got worse.  The dogs think cooking involved doing a dance around the kitchen before plunging your hand into cold water.  I love my new pans, my blistered hands will be most grateful.

Anyway, my Christmas was mixed up.  My little brother and his girlfriend went to her house first so I decided we couldn't open presents without him.  This was selfish, I didn't want my brother to have presents to open when I didn't.  So we got up and looked at the presents sitting all pretty in their Christmas paper.  Had breakfast and then went to my Gran's house.

We have gone to my Gran's on Christmas morning every year of my life.  The whole of her family still go every year to exchange presents, some stay for dinner.  This bit wasn't so good.  My gran got out of hospital on Christmas eve but during the night she had been ill and was really unwell while we were there.  I got to go and see her and she looked very old and very sick.  She could barely speak or open her eyes.  She ended up going back into hospital later in the day because she was so bad.   It made the day a bit sad and a lot of us had a tear or two.  I visited her in hospital before I came home and she was much, much better.  I think coming home was too much, she was only allowed out for two days because it was Christmas, the hospital let her make the choice and I think she pushed herself too hard.  They have found that she still has some infection in her bowel but we don't know what they are going to do yet. 

My bother and his girlfriend didn't have their children this year, they were both at the other parents.   This lead to the decision to give my mum the day off and go out for lunch, a first.  It was really nice but not the same as your mum's Christmas dinner, I suppose everyone has their own way of doing it. 

After lunch it was home for presents!  Obviously I got my pans.  I also got perfume, some nice bath things and some choccies!

My favourite present (I got on Christmas eve) was from Mr Midnite, a lovely chunky charm bracelet and the first charm for my new collection.  I think he may have had a little bit of help picking out just what I would like.

But, and prepare to be jealous, the ginger furry girl Star got the best present ever.  She got her very own bright pink doggy handbag, complete with squeaker.  It is so cute.  This isn't quite the same but it gives the idea.  I'll snap her with it and post soon.

NB.  Pictures have been stolen from Juicy Couture, go and see their lovely things at their lovely website.  Of course they don't ship to the UK so if you want some you need to be inventive, scour the Internet until you find a place that will ship or (I'd avoid this option if you can) pay the prices charged in the UK.

My family had a really nice Christmas even though we were worried about my Gran, it was lovely to see everyone and spend some time together catching up.  I hope you all had happy holidays with your families. Now onwards to 2011.

Dear Santa

Dear Santa

I have tried hard to be good all year so I thought I'd write and ask you for a present.  For Christmas please could you make my Gran better. 

Thank you

Dear blogger friends
I'm sorry I can't write much today.  I am trying hard to be positive and not let things get me down but my Gran is very ill.  She is in hospital with a perforated bowel.  They are trying something first but if that doesn't work she will need major surgery.  I am really worried about her, she is in her 80s and has a bad heart.  I'm too far away to visit easily.  I want to go and see my family but with the current situation at work I don't think I'll be able to.  It is one of the rare times when I wish I wasn't so far from my family.
Please send positive thoughts (or pawsitivity).
Thank you

Ho ho holidays?

Here comes Santa, here comes Santa, tra la la la la.

Just wondering how many people out there dread the whole Christmas thing?  I'm not a total Scrooge about to have a big downer on the season of goodwill but there are bits of it that I find really hard.

Today I went with best friends boy and girl and their two boys to see Santa.  Had a lovely day out, got home and ended up watching a Christmas movie on TV.  All very nice and sentimental but by the end I was crying.  Perhaps I forgot my antidepressant this morning? 

It made me think about the things I do because it's what is done rather than because I really want to.  In the years when I have really struggled with depression the holidays are torture.  I always have to paint on the happy face so that my family don't realise how depressed I am.  Even on years when I feel OK there are bits of Christmas that I find hard.

Take the work Christmas night out, last year I left really early because I felt like an outsider watching a bunch of mad strangers.  Partly this will be because I only drink with people I am very comfortable with, even then its not often I have more than one or two drinks.  Drunk people are either funny or, more often really annoying.  I was home by 10.30 watching TV with the dogs.  The year before I ended up crying then smoked?  I've never smoked in my life.  Woke up next morning feeling like I'd been licking an ash tray, rubbish night.  Most years I end up sitting next to someone I don't have much to do with and I have no idea what to say.  I end up just feeling worse and worse until I give up and go home.

This year I decided I wasn't going, that way I won't not enjoy it.  But then I ended up feeling guilty because people kept asking me to go and wanting to know why I didn't want to.  So now I'm going! 

Christmas eve, every year we go to the local pub carol singing night, it's OK but I don't know anyone so I go with my parents and sit with their friends.  I always feel like I'm about 10.  I'm an intelligent adult, I have conversations all the time, I'm actually hard to shut up but with my parents and their friends I can't think of anything to say and feel totally out of my depth. 

The Christmas bit itself I like, I think I'm pretty good at presents and like to buy people stuff they will like.  I enjoy the whole giving and receiving bit.  I like the dinner and the crappy TV, I like seeing my family.

Boxing day is another big family gathering, this can go either way.  Mostly its a great laugh but sometimes I feel out of it and like I don't belong.  Because I don't see my family often I get a lot of questions: Do you have a boyfriend? Are you courting?  Did you never want to get married?  Did you not want children?  Excuse me, 35 not 65, I'd like to think I've still time to get round to these things.  This year I'm a bit annoyed because the dogs aren't allowed to go for the party, my aunties have taken their dogs along for years but now the decision is that their dogs might not like strange dogs?

I think really I'm just not good with large groups especially if they are people I don't know too well.  I think this is something I've always had a problem with and probably why I hate parties.  I'm not antisocial I just feel really uncomfortable in these situations. 

So entering the holiday season with mixed feelings I'm thinking about the people out there who dread this time of year.  Seeing everyone seemingly so happy surrounded by family and friends can be heart breaking when you don't belong to that world.  Here's hoping everyone has the holiday that is right for them even if that's sitting watching TV with your furry friends.

Miner Thoughts

I'm sure everyone has seen the news that the miners in Chile were all rescued earlier this week.  Great to see some good news, I found it quite addictive watching them come out.  I love the reactions they had to their freedom, everything from hugging strangers, kneeling in prayer and handing out souvenir rocks. 

I just want to say before I go on the I have great respect for the miners who seem to have stayed calm during the whole 69 days.  The first days when they didn't know if anyone realised they were still alive must have been awful. 

I get a bit claustrophobic so the idea of being trapped underground in a pretty small place is horrific to me.  My dad was a miner, in fact most of my male ancestors were, my great great grandfather was killed in a mining accident, I found the details on a website.  I have actually been in an a couple of mines, one in a museum and one working mine.  I didn't like either and couldn't wait to get out.   But I have being thinking that apart from the youngest these guys have been miners for a long time.  They are used to these conditions and most likely don't get claustrophobic so the things that would terrify me wouldn't bother them as much.

When I was reading about the preparations for them coming out I got the impression they were going to be kept isolated and that they were expecting them to be really traumatised.  That's not the impression I got watching.  I wonder how much of that is the initial adrenaline rush and excitement of getting rescued?  I'm also wondering how much the press have hyped the expected trauma for the story?  What will the long term effects of these events be for these men, will they get post traumatic shock?  I don't really know, I think I would have nightmares about tunnels and being trapped.

The whole ordeal made me think a few different and slightly random things that I thought I would share:

1) Apart from the first days how different was the miners experience to that of the big brother contestants?  OK it was dark, damp and probably a bit smelly but the rest?  Trapped in a confined space with a group of other people you wouldn't necessarily choose to be with.  Entirely dependant on the outsiders to pass you information, food and water.  Your day broken into tasks to keep you active.  A few TV cameras and 24 hour coverage all we needed was Davina presenting and some kind of voting.  How long before a reality TV show thinks of recreating this?

2) How long will it be before the Fenix rescue capsule is a new ride at Alton Towers or Disneyland?  Can you stand the terror of the Fenix rescue ride?

3) If in some kind of weird event I ended up trapped with my work colleagues for 69 days there is no way we would all make it out alive.  I work with a man I am going to affectionately call the Prince of Darkness, in this situation there would be a choice between him or the rest of us surviving. 

4) 5 of them were coming out to face the fact that their wives and mistresses had met.  Would you perhaps be taking the next shuttle back down?  5 out of 33 men here have a long term mistress, do you think this is a reasonable representation of the numbers across the rest of men?

5) If you were one of the miners and assuming the TV and book deals don't set you up for life would you ever go back in a mine again?

6) I misguidedly thought my dad as an ex miner would be interested in the rescue but when I mentioned it during the news he wasn't.  I guess when he walked out on the last day he put it behind him although to here him talk after a few pints you would think he was still down on the face.  He did comment that if they had got trapped no one would have drilled down to get them.  Makes sense, they were mining 9 miles out under the North Sea.

Letter 3 - My Parents

Dear Mum and Dad

There is no way I can write a letter to you both together because you are so different and have been there at different times in my life so I can only do this by splitting you up as you have split up so many times before.

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Scrappy style list

I haven't been in bloggy world much over the last week.  That's just because I've been a bit busy.  Part of the busy was beyond my control with some work stuff but the rest was self inflicted.  I've been feeling pretty low so I decided that I would get out and about a bit more than normal and try to shake it off.  This in itself shows that my tablets are working because without them I wouldn't have been able to push myself to do things.

Anyway I don't want to bore you all with lots of boo hoo my life is crappy post although it may happen occasionally.  So instead I decided to do a positive, happy blog!

A bloggy friend of mine has a passion for lists so to take a page out of her scrap book here is a list of reasons why my life is great:

1) The furry girls
How many people are lucky enough to come home to two happy bundles of love even if they only went out to the bin.  Star and Sasha are the best!  Love them, love them, love them and they love me even when I'm a miserable cow.  Unconditional love, can't beat it!

2) My best friends
I have the greatest best friends in the world.  If you want to know more check out my letter post

3) Mr Midnite
Well if I didn't put him in the list he might be upset :0).  He is a very positive person with a strange view of the world which makes for some interesting discussions.  He has a great way of making me see things differently when I'm stuck on a negative though train.  Funnily enough it is a CBT technique but he just does it naturally.  He is great fun most of the time and makes me laugh a lot.  Plus he's hot.  It would be wrong to ruin his bad boy image by telling you the sweet things he sometimes does so I'll stop now :0)

4) My ladies what lunch friends
The department that I work in isn't big but we have formed some little groups, it's not an exclusive thing you can be part of more than one group or change groups.  Some of it is kind of office or past time based.  The group I'm closest too is a group of girls who all have the hobbies of shopping, eating out and drinking cocktails.  Linked to the shopping to some extent is an appreciation of handbags, shoes and expensive cosmetics.  For blog purposes I'm going to call the core ladies Glam, Mummy and Skinny.  We have some great days out shopping and nights out eating good food and drinking cocktails, we always have a good laugh.  On top of that we do try to support each other at work.

5) My Geordie Girls
Some friends I stole!  I met them when one of my cousins got married and we got on great straight away.  Lou is from Newcastle but lives up in Glasgow so we see each other occasionally for a night with wine.  Lisa is still down in Geordie land but we catch up for a day/night out a few times a year.  I haven't known them for long but we just have such a good time together,  Thinking its the Geordie connection.    

6) My ladies what drink
More girls from work, ave to be careful with these ones.  They are non-stop party girls and a few boys.  Always out on the town, I can't keep up with them drinking but they are great fun as long as I pace myself!

7) My family
Yeah they do my head in but I love them.  I get on with my little brother better and better as we get older and that's just great.  My parents, well I've got some daddy issues but who hasn't and they are always there when I need therm.  Not always help but there. I do have a pretty big extended family and they all seem to stay near where I was born.  Guess I was one of the few the rebels who moved away.

8) My Flat
Yeah strange one to explain exactly but I love my flat, it's mine and hopefully there won't be any circumstances where I come home and get told I have to leave.  Finally have my remortgage arranged so it will actually be slightly cheaper which can only add to my love.  I guess when you have moved as many times as I have you really appreciate having your own place.  It's not a show home and there is some work needs doing but I've painted it to my taste with no one interfering and I love it!

9) Scotland and Edinburgh
Flash back, I've written about this before, check it out if you're interested

10) Cymbalta
Drugs, yes please if they make me feel calm and happy without feeling like a zombie with a vomiting bug.  I'd love to be able to think happy positive thoughts and get through life without them but I couldn't and now I'm not going to risk stopping taking them just to see what happens.

11) My job (kind of)
I like my job, most days I am pretty happy there, sometimes I hate it.  The things that make it a good job include the money they pay me, it's not loads but it's not bad.  The people there are mostly great and make the days easier to deal with, some of my clients fall in here too.  Finally I suppose I do something that can help people and occasionally I hear from clients of someone who has been helped by something we were part of, makes you feel good.

12) The strange world of the Internet
Love it, how you can now reach out to anyone anywhere in the world from your desktop.  I have friends I've never met online.  I've got back in touch with school friends and been able to stay in touch with other friends.  Its a whole new realm of socialising and I like it.

13) Handbags
They make me happy!

14) Books
Allowing me to experience so many things from the comfort of my own home!

15) Music
Self explanatory really

16) Food
Chocolate, strawberries, tea and toast, eating out at nice restaurants.  Yum!

17) Health and fitness
I'm reasonably fit and mostly healthy give or take some crazy. I can pretty much do what I want although I'm unlikely to get to figure skate in the winter Olympics.  Just the head trash to deal with!

That was quite therapeutic really, I thought I would struggle to get 10 but the more I think the more there is.  See my depression when it hits seems to be a chemical thing not event related.  I've not really got anything to be miserable about and that in itself makes me very lucky.

M&M nights

So the M&M costume won for the fancy dress night!  I lasted in it about 20 minutes before I'd had enough, too hot and I couldn't use the hands.  It was then adopted by this strange looking bloke who may or may not be my brother.

Strange day / strange thoughts

Have you have a day when your mind just goes off for a wander on it's own and sends back weird little postcards?

I was in the North East of England, land of my childhood and teenage years.  Plus it was my cousin's 18th birthday and I remember seeing her in hospital at a day old.   While I was driving my ipod added the final ingredient by pulling out some old tunes that sent my mind off on a trip down memory lane.

As I drove along singing (some would say howling but I'm going with singing) little flashes of life jumped out a me:

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Fancy that? No not really.

It is my cousin's daughter's 18th birthday party on Saturday night and I am invited.  Suspect this is to ensure I come up with the cash present. 

So apart from the fact that I have to drag myself and the girls over 100 miles to go to a party in a bar I have managed to avoid entering for almost 35 years I now hear it is fancy dress.  Woo hoo - not. 

Fancy dress is for parties with friends preferably house parties.  Not family parties!  Can't imagine my gran and dad getting dressed up.  I think there will be a bunch of 18 year olds in fancy dress at one end of the room and a crowd of family in normal clothes at the other.  I will be in the toilets taking off my costume cos trying to mix with the 18 year olds may make me look like I'm trying too hard.

I've done fancy dress, I was a cat once, best party ever ever ever.  I was a cool cat, couldn't actually do much with my nail claws but  looked good.  I've been the Munro woman - ooh boo be do, did a good Star Trek party once with facial enhancements to make me Bjoran.  All good fun involving quite a lot of alcohol.  If there was a fancy dress party involving a group of my friends I would put in loads of effort and planning and have a great time.   It's not so much the fancy dress as the family party / fancy dress combo.

Plus the short notice, not sure I can come up with a costume between now and Saturday while I'm at work and just before payday.  Therefore the choices of available costume are Gorilla, M&M, clown or Roman. 

Thinking M&M is the winner here.  It's roasting in the UK so gorilla is out for heat purposes, trust me all that hair is hot.  Clown, just not my thing I don't really like clowns.  Roman, well it is a good costume for a man but revealing for a woman.   So giant blue chocolate here I come.  Perhaps I'll tell you all about it, will be cheaper than therapy to get over the experience!