Mrs Midnite and the Boxer

When I was out for dinner last week I thought I saw an ex boyfriend.  I say thought because I just saw him from behind but something about the walk etc makes me pretty certain it was him. So I thought I'd tell you about him, well tell you more about me with reference to him.

When I was younger I didn't have much confidence and I never noticed if someone liked me.  Even when I was told I never believed my friends.  If someone asked me out I would go on a date with them if they were OK.  This is how I ended up in a rubbish relationship for 8 years.  He really liked me, I thought he was OK, 8 years passed!

So a few years after I became single I made some changes and started going out more often.  I think of this as my second chance at being a crazy student because I really wasn't crazy first time round, more old married couple.  For the authentic student effect I did an MBA at Edinburgh uni and started going drinking and clubbing regularly.  For a while I had a great time, me and my girls would go out dancing a couple of nights a week and just have a good time.  I sometimes would have a dance with someone, occasionally took a phone number and even what on dates with some guys.  I never really clicked with anyone and although some lasted a couple of months I wasn't really bothered, I'd rather be out with my friends.

Eventually I decided that I should start picking the guys I was interested in rather than waiting for the people to come to me.  This is sort of where Mr Midnite comes in but that's a different story entirely.  So I decided to try to talk to guys I liked the look of to see if I got any response. Bring in the boxer.

We had nothing in common really but he was (I think) good looking and had a great body. He's from Gambia and had only been in the UK a few months when I first met him.  He was a friend of some friends and in fact his brother had been chatting me up for months.  I used to see him most weekends but he was very quiet and although we talked I was new to the whole "girl power" thing and couldn't quite get the whole "do you want to go out sometime" thing going.  Eventually in best school yard style my friend told him I fancied him and he said he liked me.  And we all lived happily ever after ... not.

As I got to know the boxer I realised that he was very young, added to that he had moved from a largely Muslim country to Scotland.  When it was just us and we talked he was really nice, a sweet guy.  I spoke to his mum and sisters on the phone and found out all about his life in Gambia, learned a lot about Islam and discovered some things about myself.  He had a daughter back in Gambia which was as much a shock to me as it had been to his family when it happened. 

After about 3 months he ended up with nowhere to stay and was going to live on someones floor until he found somewhere.  I have a 2 bedroom flat to myself so it seemed right to ask him to stay.  Spot that stay, not move in, a subtle difference but I think important.  Watch while I demonstrate:

I love you so much I can't bear to live without you, please move in with me
vs
I have a spare room, why don't you stay with me until you get sorted out. 

So clearly this is where it all went wrong.  Well this is where it all went wrong sooner than it would have done if we had maintained an appropriate distance. 

See the boxer had friends and they told him that I must be crazy in love if I had let him move in.  On top of that the adventure of living in a new and much less restrictive country was just too much.  And the final thing, living with me meant that there was no food to buy, no bills to pay, he could just go out with his friends and do whatever he wanted.  So gradually he started to treat me like an unpaid landlady.  By the time we had been seeing each other a few months we never went out, he was out pretty much every night with his friends.  I wouldn't have minded if we had had some nights together but they got less and less. He would tell me he would be back at 8 and not turn up until 4am, I was actually worried about him sometimes.  I'm not the type to try and control anyone, I like people to choose to spend time with me not be with me because I nagged.  So I just quietly got pissed off, all the time his friends were saying "she won't mind, she loves you".

I was out one night and got talking to a girl in the bar, she was asking if I was seeing anyone and I told her I was seeing the boxer.  She got quite embarrassed because he had been texting her friend.  Friend was brought over, very apologetic, so I borrowed her phone and called him.  He was gone by the next morning.

It's funny because I knew it would never last, he was too young and needed to have some fun and decide who he wanted to be, but I was still upset.  I didn't love him but I liked him.  I think it must be quite hard to be brought up in a strict country and then arrive somewhere so much less restrictive.  I get the feeling that he wanted to be a good Muslim but he also wanted to do what his friends were doing.  I thought it was sad because he came here with hopes and dream, big plans but with no structure to push him he just didn't do anything.  About 8 weeks after we split up I heard from my friends that he had got a girl pregnant.  She decided to keep it because "all my friends have babies and I want one too".  He told one of my friends that he wished it was me having the baby.  They split up not long after the baby was born, surprised?

Why are they called dogs?

Why do we call bad boys and players dogs?

Think about it for a while and you can see that it’s really unfair on dogs, the furry ones that is.

Consider everything you know about dogs. They have been stereotyped as faithful and loyal. They are man's best friend and would perhaps be woman’s too if diamonds weren’t so pretty! Think of Lassie (faithful companion, constantly rescuing children) and Greyfriers Bobby (guarding his master’s grave). They are also the much photographed friends of many famous women who are perhaps lacking a good man in their lives?

Your dog will wait for you at home while you go out to work, shoe shopping or clubbing with your friends. He won’t be annoyed when you stumble home at 4am and drunkenly tell him that you love him. Instead he will wag his tail and roll over for a belly rub.

Your dog will follow you round the house watching you’re every move as though you are the most important thing in the world. He will take you for walks along the beach or in the park and fetches your ball back without questioning why you threw it away in the first place.

He will curl up on the sofa and watch Eastenders with you even though he doesn’t follow the plot. He will be there with a friendly tail wag when you’ve had a bad day. He will lick your tears away if you let him, maybe even do some tail chasing to try to raise a smile.

Add to that the fact that he generally likes your friends (especially if they give him biscuits), never criticises your dress sense and doesn’t care how much you spent on that new handbag.

So consider the evidence, are you reminded of a bad boy? In fact your average dog has way more in common with a devoted, loving man than with a bad boy.

So what should we call these men? Let me put forward the case for cat!

The cat is independent and unreliable. Think about the similarities with bad boys
Your average cat decides if and when he will pay attention to you, he stays out doing his own thing but expects you to supply food and cuddles when he returns.

Your cat may well have other “owners” that you don’t know anything about. He could be visiting his other homes during the day, even staying there some nights while you sit at home hoping he hasn’t been run over.

He arrives in the middle of the night (dripping wet) and thinks its ok to sleep on your pillow. He knows you will let him in no matter how long he has been away. He might not have seen you for a week but will turn up and act as though nothing has happened. He knows that if he flashes a smile, purrs or rubs up against your legs you will forgive him.

When did your cat ever go out in public with you, the vet doesn’t count as you probably had to force him into a cage and more than likely have scratches for your trouble. In fact if you see your cat when he is out he will probably turn his back and pretend he doesn’t recognise you!

Are you seeing my point, the dog is getting a raw deal here. Cats and bad boys have so much in common you can almost see how girls that have a bad boy attraction can turn into “crazy cat ladies”. They pick up cat after cat always hoping that the next one will be “the one” but they are all cats so it never really happens. The cat might go along with this if it suits him but just when your feeling secure he will be back out hunting again.

I’m a dog person, nothing against cats but I like my pet to be reliable. Perhaps if I apply this theory to men my life will be much easier!