Doctors

I have to go to the doctors tomorrow, just a review appointment so that they will let me get another repeat prescription.  I hate going to the doctors, hate, hate, hate it.  If I had a big cut, broken bone, a rash or something visible I don't think it would be so bad but it seems like nearly everything I've ever gone to the doctors for has been invisible.

I never quite know what to say and probably don't help them very much.  I now know that one doctor actually started asking me the questions used to help diagnose bipolar years ago but I sort of lied because I didn't want her to judge me.  Yes, I see how this is stupid.

I went to about 4 doctors over a period of a few years to try to say that I felt awful and miserable all the time but never managed to get the words out.  I don't know why I have this problem?  I know that some people feel like doctors are special and some doctors enforce this with their god complex.  I work in the pharmaceutical industry, I probably understand what some drugs do better than a lot of doctors, I decided on my current medicine myself.  I shouldn't have a problem talking to doctors, they are just people doing a job.

I think the problem is that when it comes to depression or bipolar diagnosis it involves telling the doctor things you aren't really proud of.  Or things that most people wouldn't feel, think or say.  I understand now why I was diagnosed with mild depression when in reality I have had major depression a few times and I'm definitely somewhere on the bipolar scale.

I guess I just need to tell the truth about how it was and how it is with my drugs.  It doesn't sound hard.

All I want is to be able to keep taking the meds I have been, no changes.  I'm doing alright, my life isn't perfect, I get stressed, I occasionally get upset but it's all ok.  I don't want to get back on the roller coaster I used to live on, I like it here on the ground.