The Asbo Fairy Tales

One of the festival shows I fancied was The Asbo Fairy Tales. This was a young theatre group who had re-written classic fairy tales for modern times. They had really really clever ideas, the acting was pretty good but the delivery might have been better if they were a bit more experienced.

Actually my favourite bit was the fairy who came on between tales to do the introductions.  She starts as a nice little fairy with wings, a tutu and a sparkly wand dancing across the stage and stopping a graffiti artist.  Next she is outside a club watching girls come out but the temptation of 2-4-1 cocktails is too much.  Third break she is a very drunk fairy falling out of the club and vomiting in the street then getting picked up by a dodgy looking guy.   Next she is a teenage pregnant fairy have problems dancing with her bump.  Later she is pushing a pram and getting upset when her baby daddy is chatting up other girls.  Final scene a worn looking fairy, pregnant again beats up a new fresh fairy to regain her stage.  No dialogue but really well acted it was very clever.

As a taste of the asbo fairy tales I have taken their idea and had a play with the liberal use of artistic license and reproduced The Asbo Snow White:

Once upon a time in a ghetto not far away there lived a well hot girl called Snow White.  Snow White's father was a right player so her mum had eventually left and she ended up with an attention whore stepmother.  Everyday the attention whore would go to her magic web cam and say:

"Webcast, webcast on the net.  Which hot babe do you like best?

And the reply would always be the same.  "Phhhorrw your well hot like, innit."

Until one day the stepmother was online and asked her audience the same question but the answer came back.  "You'll do for Jackin' the Beanstalk but I'd rather be hitting Snow White like.

The stepmother flew into a jealous rage and decided to pay one of the local junkies to get rid of Snow White. 

Jakey the junkie grabbed Snow White on her way home from the club and held a knife to her throat.  Snow White thinking fast offered Jakey the rest of her coke if he let her go.  (How do you think she got the name Snow White?)  He decided that he needed the coke but made her promise to leave the ghetto so the Stepmother wouldn't know she'd been conned.

So Snow White left the ghetto with no stash and only the burberry clothes on her back.  After walking for a while she notices a run down house.
"Great," think Snow White "I can squat here until I can get my shit together."

And so Snow White moved in to the squat and when the 7 little men who lived there got home they made an agreement with her.  She would cook and clean the squat and they would keep her safe.

Flash forward a year or so:

"Coming up on today's show we have more DNA and lie detector results.  First today we have a young lady who wants the father of her baby to step up and accept his responsibilities.  Please welcome Snow White."

Applause :0)

So Snow White tell us what happened.

"Well Jeremy my stepmother tried to kill me so I had to find somewhere else to live.  I moved in with Hazza and his mates, it was a really bad time like and I really needed a shoulder to cry on.  I turned to Hazza because of the people in the house he was the happiest.  One thing lead to another and we ended up together.  Things were going alright like and he was dead happy when I got pregnant.  But now that we have a baby he isn't interested he just wants to go out with his mates.  He says the baby looks like his mate Doc and not him.  The baby is his double, its like his mini me innit."

"Snow White it sounds like you have had an awful time and all you want to some support from your partner to help you bring up your baby.  Is there any reason why your partner, Hazza might think that the baby isn't his?"

"No Jeremy, Hazza is the only man I've ever been with.  I'm not a slag or anything like.  I'm a thousand percent sure the baby is his.  I was a virgin when I met him, he's the only guy I've had sex with."

"OK, lets bring out Hazza and see what he has to say for himself."

Booing as a short guy walks onto the stage.

"Now come on that's a bit harsh let him give his side of the story first."  says Jeremy.  "So Hazza whats going on here, why won't you take responsibility for your baby?"

"I don't think he's mine like Jezza"

"I've never been with anyone but you, how could it be anyone elses baby, you just need to look at him to see he's yours." Erupts Snow White.

"Aww come on like, you've been with all me mates, you're a slapper and ill spread ye legs for anyone."

Shocked noise and occasional boos from the audience.

"Come on now, you can't speak about your girlfriend like that."

"I can like, she's a whore.  Me mate Bash said he had her in the bogs at the pub.  He went in cos she was upset co her stepmum had tired to kill her again.  She was wearing a corset innit.  Bash had to loosen it so she could breath and then she took it off and they did it right there."

"That's all lies, Bash is jealous because I'm not interested in him, he's too shy for me.  He's just saying that to split us up.  Hazza's the only one I've slept with."

"Aww what about Zee then, he sez you gave him a BJ when he found you choking on that apple your stepmum sent you?"

"That's not true, I wouldn't go near him, he's always sneezing.  I'm not interested in him, I just want you."

Jeremy steps in and says "well this is a right mess, I think we should meet the other 6 people who live with Snow White and Hezza.

On to the stage march 6 shorter than average men all trying to talk at once.
"in the toilets like", "got allergies innit", "didn't do me like", "thought she was with Eee not Hazza", Hi she's a Ho."

"OK, OK lets calm down and see if we can sort this mess out.  Here are the DNA results:
Hazza you are........................................................................... not the father."

"Told ya, told ya, ye slapper like." says Hazza leaving the stage.

"It's wrong, I've not been with anyone else" screams Snow White in tears while the other men laugh and disagree.

Jeremy comforting Snow White "Now the DNA test is 99.9% accurate, so you must have been with someone else.  We will help you sort this out and find out who the father is.  Do you want us to do that?"

Snow White sobbing "yes".

Cut to the new DNA results:

"Well this is a difficult situation here, we have a young girl from a troubled family and 6 men who could be the father of her baby.  The important thing here is to sort out who the father is and work with the parents to do what is best for there baby.  So Zee, Eee, Dope, Doc, Bash and Grumpy here are the results of the DNA test."

Jeremy opens the envelope:

"The father of the baby is ............................................. Doc!"

And they all lived chavely ever after.

PS. picture stolen from Jamiesons.