Pearls

I have been thinking about things, not always the best idea but apparently the off button on my brain is missing.  Anyway one of the things that I was thinking about was how things haven't been going very well for me recently.  If you read my blog you will know I've had neighbour trouble, car trouble, redundancies at work and my gran is ill.  These thoughts could easily have become a self pitying path to depression but they weren't.

Instead I was thinking about how well I have been handling these things.  I have been stressed, upset and angry but not to the extreme.  I have been able to carry on with my life, going out, working and seeing friends while these unpleasant things were going on.  Not so very long ago I wouldn't have coped with these things, it could have gone two ways.  I would either have stressed myself into a manic mess where I would likely have gone a bit crazy with excessive going out and shopping, remember the handbags?  Or, I would have plummeted into a major depression and stayed in bed.

Mr Midnite would tell me that the bad things have been sent to show me I can cope.  It is easier to be positive when everything is good, the challenge is to stay positive when things aren't.  I used to get depressed sometimes for no reason so if something did happen I had no chance.  Now I have difficult things in my life and I still feel OK.

Not sure if I'm explaining this very well?

Anyway to reach the pearls from today's title.  I have a charm bracelet and I buy myself the occasional charm that means something.  I have a little heart to remind me to love myself and a little dog to remind me to be happy.  I went into the shop today to try and find something to signify turning negatives to positives.  I had no idea when I went in what that would be I just knew something would be there that would represent what I wanted.  I browsed the shop for a while and then spotted just the thing. 

When I saw it I immediately thought of how pearls are formed by the shelled creatures.  A little piece of dirt gets stuck inside and causes irritation so the creature forms a pearl to protect itself.  From an irritation it produces a thing of beauty.  A positive from a negative. Perfect!

To do or not to do

That is the question.

I have a problem.  I have life guilt.  It is a strange thing, I wonder if you get it too.

Life guilt is where you feel bad that you are not making the most of your life. I feel quite bad about this, it bugs me, clearly this is linked to some of my other problems.  I swing between feeling that I am too busy and need a break and the feeling that I am not doing enough.  I can't decide which is right.

My week is I think pretty full.  Monday to Friday I'm at work.  Monday to Thursday I get up and do dog training before work, Friday it is after work.  Wednesday night, Saturday morning and the occasional Sunday I do Yoga.  Sunday afternoons I take Sasha to agility.  Tuesday Night I generally visit best friends and the boys.  Monday, Wednesday and at least one other night I see Mr Midnite.  I also need to sleep plus all those other boring things like food shopping, cleaning etc etc.  By Friday night after dog training I'm normally happy to stay in and watch TV with the furry ones and Mr Midnite if he isn't busy.  My parents often say they wish I was going out when I speak to them but really I'm not bothered, I'm tired and just want to chill.

This weekend I missed my Saturday yoga and stayed in bed with Mr M.  After a nice lie in I took the girls to the beach, did my shopping, cleaned the bathroom, did my washing and searched for the perfect jeans.  Today I have been catching up on blogs, doing some dog training but generally just relaxing.  I am missing dog agility because its cold and windy outside and I just don't feel like it.

And here comes the guilt, 2 days and I haven't achieved much.  I would like to do more and now I feel like I have wasted valuable time.  I can't get my head around the idea that doing nothing is an acceptable use of time.  I am sitting thinking that I should have:
- gone to agility
- sorted out my wardrobe
- painted my hall cupboard
- bathed the dogs
- taken some clothes I bought back
- done my ironing
- read my friends book
- taken the girls for a long walk
- visited friends
- etc etc etc.

Do other people do this or is it just me?

Quiet mind

I discovered something today.  I can balance better when my mind is calm.  I discovered this over a few weeks of wobbling over during yoga with the very, very occasional class of perfect balance. 

Moria the yoga teacher said that when your mind is active and thinking about lots of things your focus is in your head and this makes it very hard to balance.  To balance you need to move your focus down your body to lower your centre of gravity.  A calm mind makes this easier.

On Wednesday night I attempted a tree pose and couldn't do it at all.  I was attempting just to raise one foot as high as my ankle and balance.  No chance, I was all over the place.  Today a graceful tree grew from my yoga mat, with my foot placed above the opposite knee and held there for a good minute, both sides.

Quick note: this picture is not me, I stole it off the Internet!

My main reason for doing yoga is to help me stay calm, to prevent the racing thoughts that fill up my head most of the time.  Today I have a quiet mind, I have great balance but sadly I can't think of anything really to blog about.  I'm sure the ideas will be back soon.

Only dead fish go with the flow

I don't know where I heard this but it makes sense to me.  I constantly hear people saying they are just going with the flow.  I think it means just letting life take you where ever it wants without you particularly trying to direct anything.  I looked it up and google provided the following definitions:

To 'go with the flow' means to not have a particularly strong opinion on something, and thus follow the majority. Or to not attempt to exert a large amount of influence on the course of events.

Read more »

Scrappy style list

I haven't been in bloggy world much over the last week.  That's just because I've been a bit busy.  Part of the busy was beyond my control with some work stuff but the rest was self inflicted.  I've been feeling pretty low so I decided that I would get out and about a bit more than normal and try to shake it off.  This in itself shows that my tablets are working because without them I wouldn't have been able to push myself to do things.

Anyway I don't want to bore you all with lots of boo hoo my life is crappy post although it may happen occasionally.  So instead I decided to do a positive, happy blog!

A bloggy friend of mine has a passion for lists so to take a page out of her scrap book here is a list of reasons why my life is great:

1) The furry girls
How many people are lucky enough to come home to two happy bundles of love even if they only went out to the bin.  Star and Sasha are the best!  Love them, love them, love them and they love me even when I'm a miserable cow.  Unconditional love, can't beat it!

2) My best friends
I have the greatest best friends in the world.  If you want to know more check out my letter post

3) Mr Midnite
Well if I didn't put him in the list he might be upset :0).  He is a very positive person with a strange view of the world which makes for some interesting discussions.  He has a great way of making me see things differently when I'm stuck on a negative though train.  Funnily enough it is a CBT technique but he just does it naturally.  He is great fun most of the time and makes me laugh a lot.  Plus he's hot.  It would be wrong to ruin his bad boy image by telling you the sweet things he sometimes does so I'll stop now :0)

4) My ladies what lunch friends
The department that I work in isn't big but we have formed some little groups, it's not an exclusive thing you can be part of more than one group or change groups.  Some of it is kind of office or past time based.  The group I'm closest too is a group of girls who all have the hobbies of shopping, eating out and drinking cocktails.  Linked to the shopping to some extent is an appreciation of handbags, shoes and expensive cosmetics.  For blog purposes I'm going to call the core ladies Glam, Mummy and Skinny.  We have some great days out shopping and nights out eating good food and drinking cocktails, we always have a good laugh.  On top of that we do try to support each other at work.

5) My Geordie Girls
Some friends I stole!  I met them when one of my cousins got married and we got on great straight away.  Lou is from Newcastle but lives up in Glasgow so we see each other occasionally for a night with wine.  Lisa is still down in Geordie land but we catch up for a day/night out a few times a year.  I haven't known them for long but we just have such a good time together,  Thinking its the Geordie connection.    

6) My ladies what drink
More girls from work, ave to be careful with these ones.  They are non-stop party girls and a few boys.  Always out on the town, I can't keep up with them drinking but they are great fun as long as I pace myself!

7) My family
Yeah they do my head in but I love them.  I get on with my little brother better and better as we get older and that's just great.  My parents, well I've got some daddy issues but who hasn't and they are always there when I need therm.  Not always help but there. I do have a pretty big extended family and they all seem to stay near where I was born.  Guess I was one of the few the rebels who moved away.

8) My Flat
Yeah strange one to explain exactly but I love my flat, it's mine and hopefully there won't be any circumstances where I come home and get told I have to leave.  Finally have my remortgage arranged so it will actually be slightly cheaper which can only add to my love.  I guess when you have moved as many times as I have you really appreciate having your own place.  It's not a show home and there is some work needs doing but I've painted it to my taste with no one interfering and I love it!

9) Scotland and Edinburgh
Flash back, I've written about this before, check it out if you're interested

10) Cymbalta
Drugs, yes please if they make me feel calm and happy without feeling like a zombie with a vomiting bug.  I'd love to be able to think happy positive thoughts and get through life without them but I couldn't and now I'm not going to risk stopping taking them just to see what happens.

11) My job (kind of)
I like my job, most days I am pretty happy there, sometimes I hate it.  The things that make it a good job include the money they pay me, it's not loads but it's not bad.  The people there are mostly great and make the days easier to deal with, some of my clients fall in here too.  Finally I suppose I do something that can help people and occasionally I hear from clients of someone who has been helped by something we were part of, makes you feel good.

12) The strange world of the Internet
Love it, how you can now reach out to anyone anywhere in the world from your desktop.  I have friends I've never met online.  I've got back in touch with school friends and been able to stay in touch with other friends.  Its a whole new realm of socialising and I like it.

13) Handbags
They make me happy!

14) Books
Allowing me to experience so many things from the comfort of my own home!

15) Music
Self explanatory really

16) Food
Chocolate, strawberries, tea and toast, eating out at nice restaurants.  Yum!

17) Health and fitness
I'm reasonably fit and mostly healthy give or take some crazy. I can pretty much do what I want although I'm unlikely to get to figure skate in the winter Olympics.  Just the head trash to deal with!

That was quite therapeutic really, I thought I would struggle to get 10 but the more I think the more there is.  See my depression when it hits seems to be a chemical thing not event related.  I've not really got anything to be miserable about and that in itself makes me very lucky.

A swan kicked my butt

If you remember I decided to give yoga a try to help with my insomnia.  So last night I headed off to my first yoga class, this was a once a month workshop for Yin Yoga.  This is a different type of yoga with relatively easy poses held for much longer than normal.  I found all but one of the positions relatively easy although with my buzzing brain it is hard to stay still and not let my mind drift for 5 minutes.

After the class I felt quite energised but also calm.  I had a reasonably relaxed night and slept pretty well for a Sunday night after a weeks holiday.  This morning I do have a slight ache in my butt from the swan position or something like that.  You see where the blog title comes from now?

I start my beginners yoga course next weekend, it's Hatha Yoga so I think more main stream than this workshop but I have booked the next Yin class too. 

Here's hoping that all the positive benefits assigned to yoga are real.  I would like to think it can help me through the stress that I struggle with even though I am taking my tablets.

The good news and the bad news

The bad news first to get it out of the way, Sasha is having an extremely bad hair day today :0)


And the good news is that I got a pay rise, woo hoo!


Sometimes at work I get a bit worried because I have created myself a work life balance that is weighted in favour of my life.

I had a bad time a few years ago and decided then that I had to put myself first. I like my job most days, sometimes love it (occasionally hate it) but it isn't my whole life. It is easy to get caught up in the culture of working extra hours for no extra pay. Taking work home and logging on to e-mails at weekends are all common practice for a lot of people. Then of course we are all the proud owners of blackberry's so that we can work 24/7. There are people I work with who start early, finish late and do some extra from home. Crazy!

I made the decision nearly 2 years ago to stop the overtime. I work my hours, I try to get everything done in that time but if I can't I go home and forget about it until the next day. I will stay for an emergency or a one off meeting but not to just get through my workload. I also don't check my e-mails or my blackberry from home, holidays and weekends are my time. Again I will make an exception, if there is something urgent that will arrive out of hours I will check but not routinely.

When I made the decision to work like this I did suspect that I was limiting my chances for promotion. I thought that the people who practically sleep at their desks would have the edge over me. I know that no company would say it publicly but I just assumed that my attitude would be against me. I am good at my job and I work hard most of the time but I thought going home and not doing the extra would be viewed as not putting in the required effort.

It looks like I was wrong!

Last year I got promoted, one of only two people to go up. I did deserve it and was very pleased. I wasn't the longest serving person in my position so it wasn't a case of next in line to go up, I leaped 3 people who had been their longer.

Then this pay rise, totally unexpected. We were told there was no standard rate of inflation pay rises this year due to the economic situation. The director told me that he only had a small amount and decided to give it to those who deserved it based on their achievements. Only 4 out of 16 got anything. Guess I'm doing something right!

I think that my attitude towards work is right, you need the balance. If you don't have your own time then stress at work takes over your life. Plus if you are working all the extra hours what happens if there is an emergency? Do you give up sleep? I know I'm right, my work is better now than it was when I stayed late, I'm more focused and I'm better at deciding on priorities.

I'm just surprised that the company has recognised Quality over Quantity!